tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32666245217269944272024-03-21T21:45:16.668-07:00Addicted to IllnessJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-19044847805204679352024-03-04T23:12:00.000-08:002024-03-04T23:12:57.143-08:00<p> I'm so fricking depressed right now. I just made plans to go out for a very significant birthday. One I didn't think I would live to see. My sad, sad plans are to try to go to a very close restaurant, and then to a family friends' for cake. Or if I don't feel well enough, just to their house for cake. </p><p>Ten years ago a threw a party and had two guys end up there that both thought they were my boyfriend. Was of them was very off base, but it still is funny to think about now. Now that I've had no one for 2 years. Now that I'm fairly sure there will never be anyone ever again. I can barely leave the house without paying for it with pain and massive fatigue. How can I expect anyone to willingly share my life now. Maybe if they knew me before. Maybe. <br /><br /></p><p>I spent so much of the time since my divorce keeping people just far enough away to stop them from loving me. At least that's what I choose to believe. Not that I'm unable to be in a loving romantic relationship. Not that I'm unlovable. I spent waayy too much time in therapy to believe that. I think.</p><p>An old boyfriend and I have been talking and he made a comment about my marrying him. It was clearly a joke, but when I responded that I would have to be dead, he got a bit upset. I mean, I don't even know if he remembers the conversation now. It set me off somehow though. He was getting upset that I wouldn't want to marry him, but he wouldn't even want a girlfriend. And he definitely wouldn't marry me. Even when we were together. <br /><br />But here's the weird part, that I can't wrap my head around. Now I'm upset!! Why the hell am I suddenly so upset that no one is here? That I'm not ever going to end up happily coupled. I thought it was just a phase! I thought I would eventually meet the person that I could make it work with. That I would love him, and he would love me back. At the same time. </p><p>Break for crying. <br /><br /></p><p>It has to be that it's almost my birthday and I'm alone, right?</p>Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-82981845245092257932023-08-02T23:29:00.001-07:002023-08-02T23:29:08.026-07:00C Diff is difficile!!<p>Who could have seen it coming? Loads of people? Ok, true. When my doctor asked me if I was taking probiotics when I was mid way through my five weeks of antibiotics, I thought that he meant, "would I be taking probiotics after I was done this course." He didn't. I didn't know that you're supposed to take them DURING the course! Well, I'll never forget now!! </p><p>Who knew that I could wish that I could go back in time and start antibiotics all over!! I wish I could go back, send in a lovely sample of my mucous, then get the right antibiotics, AND take probiotics. Yes please! Can I go back almost two months!!! My Wahl's protocol is barely existent. ARG!!!</p><p>Maybe I'll at least lose some weight with all this diarrhea, right? Not so far. Ugh. Fingers crossed that it's just water retention?? Yes?? No??</p><p>The best/worst part is that the few people that I have told react with the following words: CRAP, SHITTY, OH POOP!! And they don't mean to be punny!! Oh well. It is indeed poopy. </p><p>The perfect virus. Omg. It takes away your appetite and your thirst, all while dehydrating you!!! Evil genius. </p><p>I don't know if I'll be so silly and sarcastic if this continues. I have a fairly mild case, (although it doesn't feel mild) so far. It's been over a week, but (butt) I'm still determined to kick it's butt. </p><p>Goodnight folks, tip your waitress.</p><p> </p>Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-16542286562079734652023-07-13T00:20:00.005-07:002023-07-13T00:20:53.459-07:00Antibiotics x three, who's living the good life!?!Antibiotic number three is working. Yaaayy (there is NOT much celebrating). I still have the metal taste in my mouth! I was fairly alarmed to see that I already had it a month ago! It usually only lasts a few days! Ok. Don't freak out. Just because it is still there, doesn't mean it will always be there! I counted the pills I have left to take still, and it was really depressing. I put off going on the third dose for a couple of days so that I could go get this pain shot that I would be reeaaalllyy sorry to miss. I was too worried about how my stomach would be, and decided that it was worth putting it off. The only reason I regret it is that I still have so long to go. <div><br /></div><div>I was about to say that there was a silver lining, and there is. I just could really imagine the silver since my cheek tastes like I have a penny stored in there. Sigh. </div><div>The silver lining is that I'm VERY motivated to go hard core on the Wahl's protocol. I managed four cups of produce today, thanks mostly to to a very cold smoothy. I made it very cold so that it would have less of a taste. It made me chuckle a little to realize that four cups seems so easy. </div><div><br /></div><div>I read a few of my older posts to see when I started this infection, and when I looked back I saw that my post about being ghosted and restarting got a lot of views. That makes me laugh. I'm pouring my heart out about something that most people wouldn't want to read. I'm sure most, if not all of those "views" were people who didn't read much!! Dating with multiple health problems. Yep. Page turner.</div><div><br /></div><div>It was inspiring to read that and to see how I'm still doing the things I started. Well, I mean I have had to pause a lot of it for now, but I still feel like I'm dedicated to my new life! I haven't been with any relationship since the ghosting. I'm tempted to look back and see exactly how long it has been, but I won't. I don't want to get discouraged. I don't think about dating very much, or maybe I should say that I don't think about it as much as I used to. Maybe I'm just getting old. It's still one of my goals though. To fall in love with somebody. I'm using the word with meaning that they love me too. At the same time. <br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I've started doing a physio exercise to build up my endurance, I think he called it. It is really difficult to see how little I can do, but I'm just trying to focus on the fact that I'm doing it at all! You can't build up strength if you never start. Honestly though, I think most of those who know me would be pretty alarmed at how little I can do. But that's OK. I'm only telling you, invisible reader.</div>Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-41560218959488373762023-06-25T00:42:00.003-07:002023-07-12T23:51:49.896-07:00Resist antibiotic resistance!! <p> So, 'member last time, when I was complaining about how bad the antibiotics were making me feel? That the antibiotics were causing nausea, which required Gravol, which made my vision and dizziness worse? That the sinus infection was causing my MS symptom of pins and needles and burning feeling on my skin worse, which caused me to take marijuana, which flares up my asthma, which causes me to take asthma meds which help my sinus symptoms, but make my MS worse? And how I didn't think they were working, but I would give it one more day!? Yeah, good job listening to yourself. (sarcasm)</p><p>I've been on the different antibiotics for a combination of 12 days over two weeks, and I'm now waiting for my doctor to answer my email in which I told him that my infection is getting worse. I struggle through the side effects from the drugs that are vital. I struggle through the side effects of the drugs that I take to deal with the side effects from the drugs that are vital. I know in my heart that the drugs aren't working, but I put off starting new ones because I'm hoping the infection will just magically go away because I am scared of what the next side effects will be. Here's the story so far:</p><p>I email my doctor (as per previously arranged by him) and tell him I am pretty sure I have a sinus infection. I tell him that I'm going to still try to fight it with saline rinses and steroid liquids, but that I don't want to have to bother him on the weekend, so I'd better get a script now. I tell him I saved 2days of Doxy from last time so that I would be able to start right away. </p><p>He responds with telling me that he's going to prescribe me more Doxy and he'll leave it up to me to decided if I need them. I think to myself that it would be a better idea to start something else as I am concerned with developing resistance, but I don't mention it.</p><p>I get a message from the pharmacy to let me know that I have prescriptions ready, and do I want them delivered. I ask them to hold onto them.</p><p>A day or two later I decide that I'm being stupid not to start the pills as I am definitely getting an infection, and if it gets much worse, my asthma or my MS or both will flare up. I start the Doxy that I have and email my doc to tell him that I'd rather have something else because it is giving me pretty bad heartburn. </p><p>Then I get really sick. I start shaking pretty hard, which is really weird, but then I get nauseous and start doing what we call in my house, "everybody out!" That means that it seems like everything in your digestive system urgently needs to escape. This sometimes includes both exits, but this time I get away with just the back exit after some taking some gravol. I feel lousy all day. I have phone call with doctor and he says he'll prescribe me something else. (He does check with me what I'm allergic to) *update: it was something I ate, as I got sick when I had it a week later. I didn't need to change this time!!*</p><p>I get a phone call from the pharmacist.</p><p>"You've been prescribed Moxi. You are allergic to Cipro. What is the reaction?"<br /></p><p>Me: "Hives all over."</p><p>Pharmacist: "Ok, you definitely not that then."</p><p>So I email doc and have almost word for word the same conversation. </p><p>Here's my big question: Do they think I don't know the difference between allergic and side effect?! Sheesh. I've been dealing with this since I was a preschooler!</p><p>After a few more emails and phone calls, I get Ammox-Clavu. Which I KNOW I've had too often, but considering how upset my stomach is, I play along and hope for the best. IDIOT!! Ok. I can't talk so badly about myself. I know my doctor is really good at his job, except this part. Now I have to start again. And now it has been weeks since I've been eating basically any vegetables!! This is REALLY difficult.</p><p><br /></p>Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-3596470414343325222023-06-18T22:20:00.002-07:002023-06-25T00:11:47.168-07:00This is why I do it<p>This is why I'm trying so hard to change my life. This WEEK! THIS feeling!!! Being sick with co-morbidities is MISERABLE and if there is anything that I can do to stop feeling like this, I WILL do it. </p><p>I have a sinus infection, and I will keep getting sinus infections until I am able to have surgery again, but for now I have to be on antibiotics. It took more than a week to find one that I could tolerate, and now I am only tolerating it by taking Gravol everyday to deal with the nausea. I'm not even sure they are working. I've giving them one more day for now. </p><p>Anytime my immune system get activated, I have an MS symptom flare up. It feels like my skin is either burning on fire, or just so sensitive that I don't want anything touching it. I also have the most fun symptom of everything tasting wrong- tasting metallic. My sense of smell is coming back since I'm working so hard on my sinuses, which is horrible because I can only smell some things, and their scent is so strong that it gives me a headache and nausea!</p><p>I also have a really bad headache from my neck being out caused by my scoliosis. So just in case I didn't have a headache and nausea before, I definitely do now!! </p><p>I have other things happening, but that is the short version of my misery. I will just note right here how much fun it is to try and eat adding in the financial restraints I have because I can't earn any money for a couple of years. Food is SO expensive lately! Thanks covid. </p><p>There are many positive things that I think about and want to get better for. I think about them and write them down and do all the positive mindset things that I can think of. Right now I am just reinforcing how motivating it is to remember how badly I don't want to feel this sick. Few people understand, but I can always talk to myself! This is so hard. I spend all day just trying to get through the hours. I'm in pain and so fatigued and feel awful. </p><p>We need a better word for awful. Full of awe. That is not how I feel. Horrible. Full of Horror. Ok, I think it's time to finally let the gravol knock me out. I'm just getting silly.</p>Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-53135569927296539882023-05-28T01:32:00.001-07:002023-05-28T01:32:40.685-07:00I went 6 months and then cheated on Wahl's<p>My deepest apologies if this post seems a trifle formal today. I have been partaking in far more Diana Gabaldon than perhaps is prudent as of late.</p><p> I have decided that I must go back a step or two with Wahl's. I've made a few mistakes. I decided to go off wheat, but somehow quickly turned that into gluten instead. It was too big of a step. I managed for over a week, but then I decided to go off milk too! I have been miserable. </p><p>I'm really surprised at myself. I have been gradually decreasing some things and increasing some others since September! For example: going off just cheese instead of all dairy at once, or making sure a have a cup of green leafy vegetables a day. Both of these strategies have been to ensure the highest chances of success, but then I make a giant leap! </p><p>I think what happened is that once I reached my goals of eating 6 cups of fruit and vegetables, and going off sugar, coffee and dairy (except I was still having milk), I started looking forward to new goals. I wasn't exactly sure where to go next, so I plunge in head first into the Wahl's Protocol book, and quickly start thinking that my goals were out of line with what I should have been concentrating on. I forgot why I made the goals that I did in the first place, and immediately start charging ahead making drastic changes!</p><p>Yes, I could probably have done the last 6 months differently, but I have been very successful at reaching my goals! I wanted to give my body the chance to to be able to digest that much produce. I wanted to give up some foods slowly and replace them with others to make it less difficult to quit. Maybe the most important of all is that I wanted to give my system a slow enough speed of detoxifying as to prevent my getting really sick!! I feel as if I should make a sign out of this and post it on the wall, so that I don't forget and get too impatient again.</p><p>Once I started reading the book again (and not just skimming a lot of it this time) my frustration at the lack of changes to my life grew as I read peoples' accounts of their experiences. They were saying how they noticed a difference in either a few days, or a couple of weeks! I have been working on this since September! I only count from Christmas though as I didn't start my full effort until then. It has been six months though!</p><p>When I saw all of the things that I wasn't doing yet, it really motivated me to make big changes in order to start seeing some real results. This rash thinking forgot to take all of my previous reasoning into mind. I went off gluten. That wasn't the goal. The goal was to go off wheat. That is a BIG change for me. I was having wheat once or twice a day most days. I should have started adding in more servings of things like quinoa, and rice, and tried to incorporate one or two gluten free possibilities. Then I should have gone off gluten, and added in other options at the same time. THEN I should have gone off milk (Possibly milk then gluten).</p><p>I know some people say that you shouldn't say should, but I don't always agree with that. I am looking at mistakes I've made. I acknowledge that I could have done this differently. Now I will have to make corrections. </p><p>You see I cheated. I haven't cheated once before now (except the two cheat days I allowed myself, one every three months). I give up butter, no more butter. I give up chocolate, no more chocolate. I'm not beating myself up too badly. I had an iced coffee with cow's milk and a scone. The scone wasn't even that good. </p><p>I had been hungry every day for about a week. I was trying to gradually add in some "gluten free" stuff, which left me pretty limited choices in what to eat. Oh!! One HUGE factor was that I went off oats as well!! My rosacea was getting really red on days when I hadn't had any caffeine or anything else that I thought might cause it, and I had been having a lot more oatmeal. That left me with a big hole in my diet. I thought I could go gluten free because I had oatmeal for breakfast. I forgot about that. </p><p>Anyhoo, I have allowed myself milk again once a day, and I am having some wheat, etc. while I figure out how to go more gradually off these things, and how to cook differently to compensate. I'm not totally sure I can do it, to be honest. I just don't have the energy to prepare meals often enough, and it's getting pretty expensive to eat like this. </p><p>We shall see. I'm definitely not giving up yet. I sure am getting impatient though. I want to go out into the world a lot more often, and let's face it, this whole too sick to date thing has gotten very, very, old. </p><p><br /></p>Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-21801945437646472092023-05-22T23:38:00.002-07:002023-05-22T23:38:39.710-07:00I'm embarrassingly excited to eat gluten free bread!!<p> I was just reading a post from last year. In it I talked about how I was told that if you start journaling (when you begin meditating) that you will be surprised at the changes in three months, and really surprised after 6. (She types after she has managed to journal consistently for a couple of weeks.) hmmm</p><p>I've started meeting with a health coach once a week for thirty minutes. We set goals and basically talk about how the goals from last week went, and if anything can be done to clear anything that might hamper completing this week's goals. This week it has been to either journal or read Wahl's Protocol for thirty minutes a day. I think I will keep the same goal until I finish meeting with her, along with other goals, of course. </p><p>Today I had what I'm pretty sure will be my last sip of cow's milk. I'm am trying to be officially off all dairy as of now! I also had my first piece of gluten free bread. It was pretty good. My stomach felt a bit off after I ate it, but I'm going to try it again. It turns out this one has sugar in it, so I'll have to check the ingredients better for the next loaf, but it has been progress. I was so miserable going gluten free, but I realized that I was basically going grain free! I don't need to go that extreme yet (or hopefully ever). I ordered some rice crackers, and the bread, and some dairy replacement things. I'm so glad that I can have some bread sometimes. The thought of never having a hamburger again was really depressing!</p><p>Today I had the bread. Tomorrow I think I might finally try either the coconut milk or the coconut yogurt. I'm thinking that the yogurt might not work out, but maybe it'll be great in smoothies? I miss having yogurt, but I haven't been able to eat it for years. Not since they added probiotics. Hmmm...that's interesting. So much of this protocol is about making your gut happy. Dr. Wahl talks about how we are basically sharing this body with all our little bacteria, etc. Gross. Fair point though. I'm working on making my own probiotics inside my tummy!</p><p>Holy moley. Considering the fact that I have already been off gluten for over a week (except I had Corn Flakes which has gluten, but that was an accident so it doesn't count) and the fact that now I'm off milk....that means I've made it to all my goals??? Holy freaking moley. </p><p>I'm definitely not going to celebrate yet because I'm not quite there. The gluten free is still too fresh, and the no milk isn't even at one day yet. Ok maybe a little celebration? Yay me!!! </p><p>I'm not consistently at 6 cups of produce. I actually hit 9 cups one day! I go over 6 cups more days then under, but I've had a couple 5's. So this week is about making sure I maintain the 6, carefully adding some new options, and making sure that I'm getting more green leafy vegetables. I'm actually smiling and shaking my head in disbelief at myself. I'm so proud!! </p><p><br /></p>Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-60867755295904612132023-05-22T22:54:00.000-07:002023-05-22T22:54:01.487-07:00Several people's health histories?<p>I was at my GP's for a pre surgery appointment. I've been trying to make it to this appointment for months, but I had to keep rescheduling due to my MS being too bad. I saved up about two weeks worth of energy to go the doctor, but at least she did my annual "exam" at the same time. Wheee!!! Fun!!? </p><p>My doctor is writing all my past surgeries, diseases, medications, etc. She makes a joke about how this is several people's history. I commented that at least I should be in my 70s, or maybe skipped some of the basics such as tonsils or appendix removed. Sigh. I hate that it's true, but I'm grateful she acknowledged it. </p><p>I've been down for about a week from nerve pain in my whole leg. It isn't MS pain though because it's positional. I think maybe a have a "pinched nerve" in my hip or something? The bad news is that I'm pretty sure that my Mom suffers from the same thing fairly often, and it is pretty debilitating. The good news is that I'm finally going to go back to my physiotherapist. There's a few things that I want to work on, and I haven't been wanting to spend the money. Which is ridiculous. I think it could be maybe be another way to help me regain my strength. Just needing to walk to my car and back is tough for me, so add going into a building? We'll see.<br /></p><p>Oh, and I have a sore throat. I think it is from allergies, which would be odd because I haven't really been outside. It could be because I've had a fan blowing outside my room every night for over a week due to a major heat wave over here!! The reason I mention this though is because I started to panic a little and start imagining the worst scenario; I'm getting a cold, and I'm going to have a major flare up, and I'm going to be down for five or six weeks, and I'm going to get even weaker, and I'm never going to get better! The thing is though, I interrupted myself at the major flare up with the thought, "what if the Wahl's protocol makes my flare ups shorter?" I haven't noticing a big difference yet, but I am fairly sure that I am recovering faster. I hope that I'm not just finding a change because I'm looking for one. Time will tell. And many more green leafy vegetables.</p>Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-39042972630280253812023-05-16T23:32:00.004-07:002023-05-16T23:32:53.045-07:00Mother's Day cheat day!<p> Once again I wish that I could see into the future and get some answers. I've now gone 7 days gluten free. Is it making a difference? Will it?? I can't say a week because Sunday was Mother's Day and I was having my second cheat day of the year. On Saturday evening a got a delivery from my oldest. 12 chocolate covered strawberries, and some of the biggest strawberries I've ever seen. So almost right away I decide that my cheat day would start at the time and end 24 hours later. I haven't had chocolate since Christmas I think, and these are one of my favourite things, so I immediately popped one in my mouth. Then I had 3 more. I felt nauseated for the rest of the night. Oops. I ended up giving the rest away to friends. </p><p>The next day I had a sub sandwich, a raspberry chocolate croissant, and an iced latte. It was heaven. </p><p>I was really curious to see if I would feel a lot of difference between the non gluten and the cheat day. I don't have a definitive answer for that. Yesterday, Monday I felt pretty good. I mean I haven't fallen asleep before 5 am since I had the strawberries, but I didn't feel that bad. I even found myself realizing that I had enough energy to do chores.</p><p>I was lying on the sofa feeling sorry for myself. I couldn't do anything on my phone, I couldn't go outside (allergens and heat wave), and I was really bored. Suddenly it occurred to me that I didn't need to be lying down! I actually had enough energy to do something! I decided to sweep the main floor and tidy a bit. I then went through a big pile of photos and things that I had pulled out of a box a few weeks ago, and then couldn't deal with until now. None of it was very fun, but I was pretty happy to be up and about. I always do the chores first because there often isn't enough energy afterwards, and my messy house makes me cray-cray.</p><p>I'm still having a lot of pain in my hands and forearms. I'm almost positive it is from holding my phone too much, as if I am on it way less the pain is much better the next day. And yes, it still hurts to type, but I made the goal to journal a few times a week. Hopefully this will help me on my "journey". </p><p>Today I had a convo with the health coach I'm working with and decided that I will keep up with my goal of reading the Wahl's Protocol about a half a chapter a day, and to add journaling. That's not very specific. The goal is to either read WP, journal, or both for a half hour a day. Today isn't exactly an interesting entry, but maybe this whole thing will eventually be worth it. </p><p>It's Tuesday and I'm having a fairly rough day. Fatigue, pain, burning pins and needles, etc. Was this from the gluten/sugar cheat day? Will not eating gluten make a difference? Sigh. I'm off all dairy except milk. I haven't had any milk today, but here's exactly why I haven't quit yet. It's late at night. I'm hungry. There's no energy left to make anything except maybe a bowl of cereal. Sigh. That, and I still use a little bit in my tea some times. </p><p>Hopefully one day I'll look back at this and wish I had started sooner.</p><p><br /></p>Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-64021233222017845562023-05-11T22:56:00.001-07:002023-05-11T22:56:40.857-07:00Quitting Wahl's Protocol. (Not really)<p> Ok, so it's not going great today. I have to start out with the disclaimer that I might have PMS. I'm going through menopause and it isn't something that I can figure out easily anymore. That being said I am seriously miserable today. I feel like I have nothing to eat!! I don't have the energy to cook basically anything, and parts of my grocery order that I was counting on were out of stock! Grr. I am seriously considering giving up my giving up gluten for a week, and trying to eliminate milk instead. Maybe this needs better planning? How am I supposed to do this on my own? Financially!!?? Physically??? GRRAHHH!!!<br /><br /></p><p>Ok, enough ranting. </p><p>Warning: more ranting likely ahead:</p><p>So another thing that I have been thinking about is how I had this amazing week of energy, and then crashed, and haven't gotten back up since. Basically at the same time I was eating a lot of bread and milk. How much of that has lead to this crash? Will I eventually end up looking back at this and shaking my head at my naivety? I'm really feeling so discouraged. I spent the little energy I had today adding veggies to the bone broth that my daughter has been simmering for the last couple of days. It smelled and tasted really good. I quickly realized that she had left the skins on the chickens that we had bought already roasted. She had simmered spices with the bones. Now I have heartburn. GRRR again!!</p><p>Sometimes I want to yell at Dr. Wahl's when she makes all these suggestions that I can't afford, like going for e-stim, or buying organic grain fed meat or going hunting or fishing or foraging! I barely have the energy to make soup!! I know that the book was written for the average person, and not for a nearly bed bound person, but it is still so frustrating! I used my birthday gift card to buy the books! How did she do this while she was in a wheel chair? Did her partner do most of it? Did they hire someone? Sigh. </p><p>I guess I have to go back to basics. Make veggie broth. Maybe just veggie soup. I was really counting on that bone broth. SIGH. </p><p>I really want to quit today. I know I won't. Here's the conversation I'm having with myself.</p><p>You've been doing this for months already! You can't quit!</p><p><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> Yeah, but I've had very little results!</span></p><p>True, but you gave up reading after the first couple of chapters, and ended up doing a version that doesn't exist!</p><p><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> Yeah, but think of all I've given up and all the freaking produce I've eaten!!</span><br /></p><p><span>Exactly. Think of how much you've already done.</span></p><p><span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> Yeah, but I thought that I'd be feeling well enough to cook for myself by now!</span><br /></span></p><p><span><span>I know. I guess that the adding isn't going to be as important as the taking away for us. Just think of how easy it would be to quit if you were giving up everything at once right now. Chocolate and sugar was so tricky, but all the berries made it easier. </span></span></p><p><span><span><span> </span><span> </span><span> <span> </span><span> Yeah, but</span></span><span> I would totally eat a scone if it was in front of me right now. </span><br /></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span> I know, but remember how proud of yourself you were when you gave up butter and cheese.</span><br /></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> mmmhhhhmmm....cheeeesseeee</span><br /></span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span>Ok, this isn't working. Remember the vision of yourself, standing on top of a big hike you've just completed? Your ideal partner standing next to you looking lovingly at you? Your sweet bod from all the exercising and dancing and gardening you've been doing? </span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> And my clean and finally nicely decorated home with the dog that I will be able to walk and afford because I'm working again, but this time in something meaningful?</span></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span><span>Yes. Doesn't that sound lovely? </span></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span><span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> I guess. I still want to eat a chocolate chip muffin though.</span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span><span><span>I'm realizing that my inner voice in this conversation says "yeah but" a lot, and sounds very petulant. Well, at least I spent enough years in therapy that I have that understanding, reasonable, motherly voice to listen to it. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span><span><span>Right now I'd just be happy to be healthy enough to leave the house for something wild and crazy like the library. Ok. I'll keep trying. I do need a different plan for this week though.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></p>Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-36187924530180663912023-05-10T01:59:00.002-07:002023-05-10T01:59:40.141-07:00Starting Wahl's Protocol diary<p> Dr. Wahl's wants me to write a diary for my diet. She says so in her book. So here I am. Typing even though it bloody hurts to use my hands. Hopefully, I will start seeing results, or at least this symptom will ease. I must note here that I'm not sure if this ache in my hands and forearms is an MS symptom or not. It could be from being on my phone constantly. As I am constantly lying down for most of the time (23+ hours a day) and too tired to use my arms or brain, what other option do I have? I go bananas if I have to keep my hands still for very long. Anyway, this is my laptop, but it still hurts to type.</p><p>I have been trying to get on the Wahl's Protocol for a while. It started back in September that my youngest (19) began doing MMA, so she became really motivated to cook more often. More meat and veggies. I added more fruit as well, and we started eliminating processed food, and any baked goods.</p><p>Around Christmas I gave up all dairy except milk and sugar (except the little bit if I had coffee or tea) and that included CHOCOLATE!!! I started measuring my fruit and vegetables with the goal to get to 6 cups a day (3 cups of each). A couple of weeks ago (four months in) I managed to do 6 cups 10 days in a row. It was a new best, but I think I got a little too cocky. I can remember thinking things like, "Why don't I always just eat raw carrots and peapods?" and "this is getting so easy". Then my stomach majorly revolted, and I had a very gaseous, bloated, painful and sensitive digestive system. </p><p>The same week I was getting cocky, I was also doing physically better than I had in probably a year. I have been tracking a few other things in a notebook along with the fruits and vegetables. My energy level, 10 being the best, as well as symptoms, medications, etc. The cocky week I was having energy levels of 5's and even a 6 one of those days1 I'm usually happy for a 4. I went out! I got errands done! I went to the doctor (which I had rescheduled a few times over about 5 months). I even went to my friend's birthday party! I hadn't been out socially for months and months! I kept telling myself that I was pushing it and I was going to crash, but I kept waking up the next day feeling good! Don't get me wrong, I did manage to overdo it! NEVER question my skill to keep pushing until I'm down again. Sigh.</p><p>What I want to focus on is that during my up week, I had that gastric episode and I couldn't eat anything really. Definitely not any veggies or fruit. I existed on mainly cereal (with cow's milk) and bread (I even bought a white loaf) for at least 3-4 days. Oh and egg salad. I can't forget the eggs. </p><p>I officially quit coffee on May 1st!!! I NEVER thought I could get here. I have been weaning off it for months, and sometimes replacing with tea, but when I had so much stomach trouble that I could barely eat anything, I jumped on the opportunity to quit for good. I have to admit that I'm missing it a lot, but there's one bit that's got me hanging on. I've given myself four cheat days a year. The second one is going to be for Mother's Day on Sunday, and I'm planning on a coffee and my favorite muffin!!! I assume that by the next cheat day (some special day TBD July-September) I'll be so into the diet that it won't be worth it. I hope. </p><p>4 more sleeps until latte!</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-17966134552532549062022-03-17T23:30:00.000-07:002022-03-17T23:30:01.445-07:00Anger again?Forcing myself to write when I can't think of what to say.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Today in therapy we talked a lot about anger. Specifically my being angry at my Mom for how she taught me to deal poorly with anxiety. About how I seem to have stopped myself from being allowed to be angry. I mean, she did her best! She was trying to help me by giving me some of her "stomach pills" (form of valium) instead of teaching me about anxiety. She had to get by on her own with her awful mother's insufficient raising as a base. She had to teach herself how to cope. So she taught me everything that she had learned. So how can I be angry at her for not being able to know better? </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
If I think about now, about how she's so difficult to please, and so easy to upset. I don't know. I just know that I went into the office today hating myself so much. As my doctor probed and kept coming up with my changing the word from anger to something else, and as I started to realize that I am angry. At her inability to be there for me. At my older sister's constant bombardment of insults and name calling. And at my Mom for allowing the name calling. For my Mom getting so much significance from my illnesses, and for accidentally teaching me that I should be sick to be interesting. That that was the only way to feel love. That I shouldn't ever try to do anything because I might get sick. To overprotect me so that I learned that I was fragile and might fail at any moment. </div>
<div>
She was DOING her BEST!!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But I am angry and hurt. And I cried when I said that I do hate them. And then I felt really good after my appointment. And then I had this strange moment hours later when I was trying to nap, and I talked to my inner Jenny, and told her I needed her to let go now. And I felt this strange, surreal feeling, and ended up saying it about five times as it seemed to be important. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
As I was driving home I decided to text R. I sent him a couple texts a couple of weeks ago about how I wasn't angry at him anymore. And he never answered me.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I just got off from msging with him. I just want to be with him!!!!!!! AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</div>
Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-15293789229039809012022-03-17T23:28:00.000-07:002022-03-17T23:28:16.394-07:00I just need to talk.<br />
<br />
I spend a very tearful session with my shrink today talking about how angry I am at the universe for introducing me to my latest guy when he wasn't ready to date yet. Which is stupid because I am giving away my part in it so that I don't have any blame. I knew he wasn't ready. He TOLD me more than a couple times that he wasn't ready for a relationship. That he didn't WANT a relationship (after we'd been in one for a few months). I knew he wasn't ready. Somewhere between my being totally infactuated with him, and his desires to get laid and be loved, and not hurt me, we spent about 8 months seeing each other. Stumbling along.<br />
<br />
The really stupid part is that it wasn't stupid. We learned a lot from each other. I wouldn't have grown the way I have in the past few months without his influence, and I know that he feels that's he's really grown too......but not enough.<br />
<br />
This whole thing came to a head when, after three weeks of my trying to give him the space he needs to finish his divorce, I msged him. We talked a bit for a week. I hinted that I wanted to have sex with him for my birthday. He responded with something like, "that's coming up!". Apparently that's fuel for me to get really angry. I went quiet for a day, but he still sensed it immediately through one text.<br />
He ends up telling me not to wait for him. I've been crying and angry since.<br />
<br />
I'm pretty sure he meant that I shouldn't wait for him to finish his divorce because who knows how long it's going to keep on being dragged out for. And even then, he wants to take time to get his kids settled in a new place, etc., before he starts dating again. That he knows it hasn't been fair to me to be with me in this limited way. That he's old fashioned, and when he's involved with someone, he wants to be sharing a life more than the small ways we were able to be together. That even when he is divorced and the kids are settled, he might not be emotionally ready to love again. That he might not be able to love me ever, and he doesn't want to hurt me. He's the type of person that would rather take the hurt, then give it.<br />
<br />
I guess that's the hardest part.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-2691991418341981352022-03-17T23:27:00.003-07:002023-07-12T23:46:44.477-07:00Restart, ghosted, reset.<p> March 17th, 2022</p><p><br /></p><p>I'm trying again to start journaling. I've started doing physio exercises to strengthen my neck. I've started doing curls to get rid of my mom arms before Aug. I've gone back to counselling. I haven't had casual sex in a year. I had a relationship for nine months straight, which ended mutually as friends. I've got my lungs in control better than they've been in 20 years due to trying many inhalers last year. My MS has been in remittance for over two years!! I'm going to give up junk food and add more fruit and veggies tomorrow. I may even include giving up coffee!! In a week or two I will give up more food (either some or all dairy, or something with carbs) and add more fruit and veggies. Maybe this time. Maybe this time I will do better than ever. I've even been more determined to get the house clean. I now only have one child left in the home. I should be able to do this.</p><p>I had a pretty unpleasant week emotionally. I went out with a new guy. I kept saying that it was weird that there weren't any red or yellow flags that I was ignoring, but there were. The biggest one is how strongly he was coming on. It was what younger me would have dreamed of. It was what younger me did!! Jump in with both feet and don't ask too many questions! Well, at least I've learned some what. </p><p>He's ghosted me. I was really struggling to understand why, and then I came up with this thought, <br />"he doesn't have big enough balls to be honest with me."<br /></p><p>He put on his profile that he wanted more honesty and less games. That basically means that he wants it from himself. I've learned that. A guy says he doesn't want drama, he's probably the dramatic one. </p><p>Well, I did slow myself down enough to not get crushed. We necked (ha!!) for 2 hours in my car, but I wouldn't go any further. Thank goodness I'm still a bit frigid. Sheesh. He was playing me so well, in so many ways. Well. I avoided catastrophe, but ouch. My ego. I even told him that I was great at reading people, except when it came to men in my love life. Yep. Case in point. </p><p>So heels cooled. Deep breaths taken. Equilibrium restored. </p><p>Oh yes. I have started mediating properly again. The monkish guy who taught me said that if you started journaling when you started meditating, you would notice a difference in yourself by the time you have reached three months. </p><p>Lets see shall we?<br /><br /></p><p>I'm also doing sleep hygiene and reading actual paper books, and yoga stretches. </p><p>Too many changes at once? They have all started over the last few months. </p><p>Please reward me this time universe! Reward me with good health so that I can get ahead. Or at least keep up. Maybe I could get a decent job again? Maybe I could have a lovely home that I could welcome people into? Maybe, just maybe I could have a boyfriend who I love who loves me too????</p><p>This is what I'm aiming for. I don't believe in manifesting, but I do believe that you have to dream in order to achieve. That you have to reach in order to grab. That you have to hope in order to want to live.</p>Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-21456658570018987992022-03-17T22:58:00.001-07:002022-03-17T22:58:43.980-07:00I'm not Clinically Extremely Vulnerable!?!<p>It's April. Mid April. I was thinking that it's the time about that time of year where I usually am at my worst, but it's not. It's too early. Maybe it's because the season got started early this year, and went off with a bang. Is it getting worse? I was about to say that people who don't usually complain about allergies are really suffering, but I think I thought that last year. Maybe it's time to move North. If climate change is making allergens stronger, then I'd better move. How to move further north without moving to too much cold would be tricky. Stay here, allergens, move north, cold: either way I can't breathe. </p><p>Usually around this time of year I'm starting to recover from the first blast of the trees, and getting complacent enough to go outside too much. I am actually concerned. I feel like I'm already going bananas. The cottonwood doesn't even get started for a month!! How am I going to stay inside for a few more months? Oh, duh. Maybe it will start early too. Maybe a couple of weeks. Sigh.</p><p>I think the real problem is the pandemic. I can't go anywhere I might usually run away to. No boyfriend's house. No gyms or pools. No dinner dates. I've already exhausted all my sitting around waiting energy, and now it's allergy season. </p><p>It seems that everyone around me is getting their vaccines. I've always been the sick girl, and yet, I don't get the vaccine. Everyone seems surprised by that. Especially me. What the hell?? I have asthma and MS, but I don't qualify as Extremely Vulnerable? So stupid. I wish I could contact my childhood doctors and tell them. Especially my asthma docs. The ones that have had to bring me back from the edge of no return. Or the Emergency doctors that have literally brought me back from hypoxic seizures. </p>Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-37652394745192032862021-03-24T21:05:00.004-07:002021-03-24T21:05:49.112-07:00Raking grass memory<p> I was sitting on my desk in my sterile room. Desk with empty drawers, plain chair without a cushion. Bed with one stuffy. Pillows piled perfectly to support lungs. Mom keeps saying she's going to buy a plastic cover for the mattress, but so far it's just a dust cover, thank goodness. My closet is full of my stuff, but it's taped closed for now. My dresser of clothes is in my sister's room next door. No dust. No allergens. </p><p>I'm sitting on my desk because if I'm up this high I can see my siblings in the backyard. It's Springtime. My worst time of the year. I'll probably be in here for weeks. Usually a month plus. My siblings are supposed to be raking up the thatched grass, and they are, but mostly they are throwing it at each other. </p><p>They're raking it into piles and jumping in and burying themselves. They are filling up the wheelbarrow and riding in it. I'm crying. Big tears rolling down my cheeks as I watch with envy and self pity.</p><p>Then they are called in for dinner. Everyone is sitting at the dinner table eating. They are complaining bitterly about having to do such a horrible chore. I'm still alone in my room. </p><p>I was telling this story to my Dad the other day, and wondering why I was in there alone. Couldn't one of my siblings been allowed to stay inside and play with me? Did I have to eat alone every meal? I know my Step Dad may it so that we had lots of "Fresh Air" and the doors couldn't have been closed for just me. That he insisted that we have as our only source of heat wood burning stoves. He made the enormous sacrifice of smoking outside. I should feel honored, right? Too much sarcasm?</p><p>If someone was asked to stay behind and play with me, would that have been another chore? Would they have fought over who got to stay in with me? Would they have fought to not have to be with me? Would that have made being sick more or less desirable for me? What if I had my own tv in there when I was sick? What if they were allowed to watch tv with me? There was a tv in the basement and I wasn't supposed to go down there, but maybe my show would have been more desirable to someone? Would I have tried to bribe a sibling with a show? I'll never know. I never even thought of it. It never occurred to me that I could have anything any different just because I was so limited.</p>Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-25582657928430797812021-03-24T20:37:00.003-07:002021-03-24T20:37:52.323-07:00Better name for Munchausen Syndrome is Factitious Disease?!?<p> March 2021</p><p><br /></p><p>Over the last couple of weeks I've really come face to face with my "Munchausen Syndrome" or Factitious Disease. I started seeing (through video chat) a new doctor. My sinus specialist referred to him as an asthma god. I'll refer to him as AG. AG told me that if I was using a rescue inhaler I wasn't having my asthma managed properly. Well, I think I need to be more clear. He told me that if I was finding it hard to breathe AT ALL I was being seriously mismanaged. He hopes to get me on some fancy drug that stops inflammation before it starts. He expects that I won't need to take an inhaler for being short of breath. I can't even imagine that. </p><p>A few days before I talked to him, I had a conversation with a women from his office. She told me that he would probably want me to throw my Ventolin out the window. I laughed, and said that I'd love to, but immediately started to feel anxious. She assured me that I would have it as long as I need it. It really got me thinking though. How willing am I to give it up? How much would I give? How hard would I work? It used to be that I wouldn't admit that I liked having it.</p><p>When I was in grade 6 or 7 my friend asked me if I would trade something to not have asthma anymore. I can't remember what I was supposed to trade. Maybe it was that I would be less attractive on the outside and work better on the outside? Whatever it was I wasn't willing to trade. She looked at me shocked and asked why not. I think I said something about not ever knowing any different. The way she reacted I knew I had said something wrong. One of the first times I needed to think quickly to cover my tracks. To hide that I was something, or felt something that other people didn't.</p><p>I had little desire to be healthy. How else would I be different? How would I get attention from my Mom? At that age I wasn't doing anything to make my health worse. Not consciously. At any given time I was going to be sick at some point in the next couple of months. It was inevitable. There wasn't much I was missing out on from being sick. I was used to it, and I there were plus sides. </p><p>I rarely felt sick when I was in the hospital. I was pumped up on adult dose steroids. I had room mates to talk to that probably were nicer than my older sister. I had a play room and lovely nurses (mostly) and food brought to my bed. I got visitors and my Mom and Dad would visit me. It was pretty great. </p><p>Except all the times I was stuck in the hospital for weeks, or stuck in my sterile room for weeks. Or couldn't go to sleepovers because someone had a pet. Or how I missed out on so much. How much I hated it. How much I cursed being born that way. How much it ended up hurting and sucking, and taking away.</p><p>I have to say that I am really and truly so excited to tame my asthma. I'm at the point with my MS that it is in remission, but still hard to live with day to day. The only flares I have is when my immune system gets triggered. My asthma getting flared up from allergies, flares up my MS. If I didn't have asthmatic flares, the only thing that could get my MS symptoms is a getting a virus, which is hopefully going to be easier to avoid. </p><p>I've been wondering about getting a proper job again. Maybe even having a real career. I've started looking into voice work. Maybe I'll start recording audiobooks. Maybe I'll get work clothes on and go to an office and interact with people sometimes! Maybe I can be in a relationship and not feel as if I don't have enough to offer the other person. </p><p>I've started my new inhaler, Advair. I've been on it before, but didn't like the side effects. I think it made me shaky? We'll see. I hate taking Ventolin since they have changed it, so I might as well try to go on the long lasting inhaler. The plan is to take the long lasting steroid/ventolin type inhaler twice a day, morning and night. Hopefully that will stop me feeling tight chested most of the time. </p><p>This is the third day I've taken it, although I'm only taking it in the evening right now. I seem to be getting used to it. I hope this keeps working! I plan to add the second dose in a few days. </p><p>Step one to a new life!!!</p>Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-46794464181262164972018-08-13T17:33:00.000-07:002024-01-02T00:23:14.898-08:00NO clear and present dangerI just went through an interesting thing.<br />
<br />
I was driving to pick up Ana from school. I had been having a lot of anxiety all day. Then these questions came to me:<br />
<br />
Is there someone who is trying to hurt you?<br />
NO<br />
Is there an animal that is trying to eat you?<br />
NO<br />
Are you in a natural disaster that you are in danger?<br />
NO<br />
Are you in any actual danger at all?<br />
NO!!<br />
<br />
I'm safe. I was on my bed, in my house, alone, and feeling afraid. Looping in my head over and over trying to find a way to feel safe, and I AM actually safe.<br />
<br />
So what is the danger that I feel?<br />
<br />
I'm going to freak out.<br />
What does that mean?<br />
I'm going to have a panic attack.<br />
Well, you're already starting to panic, so what are you worried about.<br />
That people will see or know that I am panicking and will think I'm disgusting.<br />
Do people usually think you're disgusting when you're showing your anxiety?<br />
No, but they don't understand. They think I'm crazy or weird.<br />
Do you know that, or think that?<br />
I don't know what they are thinking, but I know that I feel very uncomfortable when people are acting crazy around me. And sometimes when I let someone see my anxiety, they avoid me in future.<br />
Do people who love you think you're disgusting or avoid you?<br />
No. They want to help. They want me to feel better.<br />
<br />
Do you think that people can't love you if you are anxious.<br />
Yes.<br />
Why is that?<br />
Because I know my ex husband left me because my anxiety was too much to bear.<br />
Did he say that?<br />
No, but I think that's one of the reasons that he left.<br />
Why else do you think he left.<br />
I was yelling at him all the time because he wouldn't stop working with that con man. He hated it when I yelled at him, and it definitely pushed him further away, rather than draw him closer to me.<br />
That seems to make sense.<br />
Yes, and I think he worked so much to avoid me: his angry, yelling, nagging, needy wife.<br />
That doesn't seem like it has much to do with anxiety.<br />
<br />
No, I know that was hard for him, but it wasn't what drove him away.<br />
<br />
Ok, so your ex husband didn't leave you because you were anxious. Do you think he stopped loving you because you were anxious?<br />
<br />
No. He loved me. He wanted me to be better.<br />
<br />
So is there anyone else, that has stopped loving you when you showed them anxiety.<br />
No. (scoffs)<br />
<br />
So can you think of any actual danger to you when you are feeling anxious?<br />
<br />
Well, people might think less of me.<br />
<br />
Is that a danger?<br />
<br />
It isn't a good thing.<br />
<br />
But is it dangerous?<br />
<br />
No. I guess not. It just hurts.<br />
<br />
Have you ever thought less of someone because they were anxious?<br />
<br />
I guess I have. I know when my mom didn't go on the plane to Utah, I thought she wimped out.<br />
<br />
Even though you know the fear she must have been feeling?<br />
<br />
Yeah, but I wasn't able to empathize as much because I wasn't suffering from anxiety as much at the time.<br />
<br />
Can you think of another example?<br />
<br />
I know this one time my older daughter decided to turn around and go home when she was stuck in traffic on the way to my younger daughter's performance. She knew she was already late, and decided she didn't want to go through the anxiety for the small bit of concert she might catch.<br />
<br />
Did you think less of her?<br />
<br />
No! Not at all! I was disappointed, but I totally understood.<br />
<br />
That sounds a bit more empathetic.<br />
<br />
Yeah, I'm actually thinking about many times I've tried to help by giving understanding when someone was anxious. It seemed to help.<br />
<br />
I wonder if you would like someone to be understanding. If you would like it if people are compassionate to you when you're afraid.<br />
<br />
Oh! They usually are!<br />
<br />
Can you think of someone who isn't?<br />
<br />
Me. My Mom.<br />
<br />
Your Mom?<br />
<br />
Yes, she sometimes gets upset at me when I can't make myself visit.<br />
<br />
What do you imagine that she's upset at you for?<br />
<br />
That I don't love her enough to get over myself. That I can't make myself stop feeling anxious.<br />
That ....I don't know. That I'm letting down the family?<br />
That actually is true. I'm sure they don't understand.<br />
<br />
They don't understand what exactly?<br />
<br />
They don't understand that I'm too afraid to visit my Mom's house.<br />
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Can you see how they wouldn't be able to understand that?<br />
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YES!! It's crazy!! I'm not in any danger, but it feels like I am! It feels like I'm in the biggest danger in the world!! I would never ask them to feel that in order to see me!<br />
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But, are you in danger?<br />
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no.<br />
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So you just feel like you're in danger?<br />
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Yeah. I guess I'm worried I'll freak out. I'm in danger of freaking out.<br />
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Well, I'm sure that freaking out doesn't feel very good, but are you in danger while it's happening?<br />
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I guess not. If I could run away, I could feel better, but sometimes I'm already in my safe place. The place I imagine I need to be in order to feel safe.<br />
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So you're running to a safe place, that may or may not be a safe place?<br />
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Yes.<br />
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Maybe this safe place is just an illusion.<br />
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Yeah. Like being in control is an illusion.<br />
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Why do you say that?<br />
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Because I think that if I can just control all the circumstances, I can avoid anxiety or panic, but that's an illusion. I can't control everything. I can't control whether the traffic is bad, or the bridge is closed. I can't control how other people will react. I can't even control my own feelings and thoughts!!<br />
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Can you say more about that?<br />
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Well, a friend of mine keeps losing his temper and "freaking out" in a sense. He always feels really bad and anxious about it afterwards, but he still keeps losing his temper. I guess I kind of judge him because I feel like I've got my anger under control.<br />
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There's that word control again.<br />
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Yeah. And after I spent so much time discovering that I'm still angry lately. And I can't control my own thoughts. Or feelings. And yet I judge him for not being able to control his. Am I really more judgmental than others? Am I just harder on myself and others than most people??<br />
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I'm not in danger. Control is an illusion.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-51715962495294303362018-07-09T22:06:00.000-07:002018-07-09T22:06:03.824-07:00My story 1July 9th, 2018<br />
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When I was born the doctor told my parents in his best broken English that he didn't think that I would make it through the night. As a child I never understood the significance of that. I'd never seen someone be pregnant and see all their hopes and dreams of having a baby. I didn't know personally what it meant to feel a soul nibbling around yours. The feeling of having a fully formed human stretch inside you. The unknowable-ness of having a child, and yet, not yet having a child. It must have been very upsetting news. Other than the fact that she must have been exhausted from labour, I don't know how she rested. If she even did. The next morning I was still there. "Tubes all gone! Baby OK!" was the only explanation I have heard told. I had made my first ado on this earth.<br />
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I don't have many memories of or stories about my being sick, other than the usual childhood ailments, until I was six years old.<br />
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I was so uncomfortable. I couldn't find any position in which I could be still. I know I walked into the family room and tried to get comfortable in an arm chair. I tried a couple positions, but nothing worked. I just didn't feel comfortable! I walked into the room and told my Mom that I just couldn't get comfortable. I know she looked at me hard, and then said something to the effect of, "that's it, we're going to the doctor." She has told me my lips were blue.<br />
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I remember waiting what seemed like forever in a doctor's office, and then I remember waiting in another office for another eon. I briefly remember a doctor saying that he wanted us to go to the hospital. The next thing I remember, I had been in the hospital for days.<br />
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I had a mucous plug that was causing one of my lungs to partially collapse, and I believe there was a problem with the other lung as well. I am going to need to speculate a fair bit, as I'm going on my patchy memories, and my memories of my mother's memories. Hopefully it is readable. <br />
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My theory is that due to the fact that my asthma doesn't act quite typically, they weren't sure what was wrong with me. I don't really wheeze, for one thing. All I know is that I was in the hospital for weeks and had to have a lot of tests. One test involved my having to have a plastic bag taped around my hand. I particularly remember that as I was eating my lunch at the time. <br />
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I had to have a surgical procedure where they suctioned out my lungs, which required a general anesthetic. I could tell something extra was up, because my Mom brought me a present from my Aunt Julie and was acting really weird. Then she told me. I'm sure she tried to act all casual, but as a kid I could tell that something was up. That she was hiding her emotions. Then my Dad came to stay with my for the morning before my surgery. This was back in the olden days when parents didn't stay with their kids in the hospital. My Mom visited during the day, and my Dad would come in the evening. I knew he was supposed to be at work, so I knew something major was happening. I couldn't understand why my Mom was there at the time, but I know now that she must have been very anxious, and that wouldn't have helped me at all. <br />
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I was fasting, of course, and complained to my Dad about it. He was very understanding. I think I expected him to have more of an attitude of, "well, you can't eat." The same attitude he might have had if we were driving down the road and I stated I was hungry. He seemed to feel guilty about it. He decided to try to distract me by taking me to the games room. We played "Sorry" until they came to get me. The next memory is of groggily calling for my Mom and asking for a drink. A nurse answered me and helped me drink. She said that I could open my eyes, but I couldn't. My eyelids seemed too heavy. I thought she wasn't my Mom and thought it was weird that she didn't correct me, but was too sleepy to care. She had the most kind and gentle voice. She was using a tone like she was dealing with the sweetest little thing, that she needed to be careful not to cry or laugh. Little 6 year old girl coming out of anesthetic. Bless that nurse's heart.<br />
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Then I was in my room, and my Mom was there with this anxious/joyful look on her face. I know I was confused because I thought I'd already been talking to her, and that she had helped me drink. Then I got to eat jello.<br />
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<br />Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-88635057449653215692018-03-05T19:17:00.000-08:002018-03-05T19:17:10.472-08:00Here I am again.<br />
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Too anxious lately to even publish these posts, but at least I'm writing them.<br />
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The new struggle for me is that sometimes I wake up and if there is something I've deemed something to be anxious about, I start getting anxious. And don't stop. But I'm working on it.<br />
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This morning I started stressing and actually managed to stop and I think even fall back asleep for a while. Then I started all over again. WHY!!!<br />
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I was thinking a lot about Munchausen syndrome. I was thinking about how I must get something pretty significant out of being anxious, or I would have let it go long ago. I guess I still need to be sick. I wonder if one can get better from it. ....That's silly. I already have gotten much better. I hardly ever fake anything, and I enjoy getting attention from being sick way less.<br />
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I guess I mean can someone like me. Someone who has been that sick. Can I ever be truly rid of it? I mean it's not as though everyday I will long for it, like an alcoholic.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-80212764460836849552018-01-24T18:32:00.001-08:002018-01-24T18:32:18.989-08:00It's not your faultToday I am excited to be alive. Excited to write. Monday I admitted to myself that I have Munchhausen syndrome, now called factitious disease. Tuesday I struggled to want to be alive. I was fantasizing about ways to kill myself without anyone knowing it was a suicide. Or how old would my kids need to be before I could without totally screwing them up. Answer of course, never. I felt like I couldn't bear the pain of knowing that I had this horrible thing true about me. That I couldn't bear how ever many years I needed to live, if I had to feel this terrible anxiety. Then I got up and decided that I would need to bear it at least one more day. That's what I do. Break it up into manageable chunks. Sometimes it's minutes. Sometimes it's breaths. I knew I could totally do one more day.<br />
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Later that evening, after a quarter dose of a sedative and a lot of being out of my negative thought cycle, I had a thought. Why am I spending so much time trying to figure out how to die? Aren't there so many more things I could work really hard on? That doesn't really say it. It was a realisation that I was giving so much more energy to wanting to die, then trying to live! There were so many ways to try to work on living than the not-an-option dying. </div>
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I knew that I couldn't do it. That it was just a fantasy like thinking about finding my ex husband and strangling him until he fell unconscious. Not anything I would take steps towards doing it. I was choosing again to stay mentally sick, instead of choosing to be well. Then I could see the other paths. I think that is the tricky part. Seeing any other option.</div>
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I get so terrified that I can't see any other choice other than staying exactly where I am, trying to fight off the fear. Talk myself out of it. Getting up is actually what I should do most of the time, but sometimes I am so fatigued that I really need to rest. I'm probably partly anxious because I am so fatigued. But I haven't yet gotten skilled enough at getting out of my negative thought loops while resting. I'm working on it.</div>
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I started out yesterday being in a fog about this new diagnosis. Self realization. How could I ever tell anyone about the Factitious disease. How could anyone understand the exaggerating? People would shy away from me or worse. I couldn't handle thinking about it. I kept saying to myself that I didn't need to tell anyone. As long as I'm as I'm not actively faking disease, no one needs to know. That didn't feel right to me though. As hard as I am on myself, as much as I find it disgusting behaviour, as practically impossible it was to admit out loud, I knew it wasn't a dirty little secret. I chose a close friend I trust to talk to about it. He knew about a few occasions that I had faked things. One of first things he said was that it wasn't my fault. I had already started coming to that conclusion, but that was really good to hear. He couldn't understand why I would choose to be sick to get attention, but he knew that it wasn't something that I had really chosen.</div>
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I guess that's where I got to with it's not my fault. I must have felt that the only way I could get the attention I really needed, was to be sick. There's no way I can blame a 6 year old girl for getting sick. I can't blame my parents for not being able to give me the attention I needed. They did the best job they could with the skills they had been given (or lack of skills). I guess it was just a perfect storm. I was very sick, a lot of the time, my parents were raised by parents that were missing some basic emotional skills, my older sister resented my being born, and I some how didn't gain the skills I needed to deal with the things life had thrown at me from any other source. I was sick, I was alone, I was scared, and no one knew to tell me that I was loved and that I would be OK. Except in a way, the nurses and doctors. </div>
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Imagine you are one of four children, a bit socially awkward, and then all of a sudden, you are a STAR!! People bring you presents. People come to see just you. You get to share a room with other little girls like it's a camping trip. You get a toy room with a TV. You get to order your food off a menu, and then it is brought right to your bed. Especially for the severe asthmatic I was, I felt great in the hospital! I felt better than ever. The medications gave me lots of energy, I was able to breathe better, and all my pain was gone. Heaven.</div>
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I'm wondering right now how much the knowing exactly what was expected of me was a factor. You have nurses that completely structure your day. You know when to eat, when to shower. When to be resting, when to be out of bed. You know what you're supposed to do, and if you do something wrong, you'll be corrected quickly. Not a lot is expected of you, so it's easy to be really good at it. Don't complain. Be cheerful. Be accommodating. The only problem I was, was that I was too happy and well, hyper. I got asked to go to another room for a while a couple of times because I was being entertaining and the other girls needed to rest.</div>
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I know that is a big factor in why I was so religious for so long. Knowing exactly what you are supposed to do. And when. And when you were doing something wrong. </div>
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I do believe that there is something in me that isn't just made out of cells. A soul, or a spirit. How much was I born with wanting to be reassured. Was I already insecure? Was I aware from the womb that my mother was worried about me living? Was I already receiving messages that I wasn't OK, and being not OK is something unbearable? Was this from a previous life?<br />
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I know that I have the ability to give myself the love I need. I can choose whether or now I panic. I can change the way I think, and feel, and act. And this time, I'm not giving up from fear.</div>
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Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-83420588019858576042018-01-24T18:13:00.001-08:002018-01-24T18:13:04.208-08:00March 22nd, 2017<br />
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Decided that I really need to start journaling my psychiatrist visits. I definitely type faster, so even though I will lose some of the expression from my handwriting, I'm doing it here.<br />
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We talked today about what seems to me to be the last layer of personalities that hold me back. This really needy little girl. I mean she's starving for affection, that was really standing out last week. Unfortunately she's learned that love looks like someone that gives her pills, or attention for being sick. <br />
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After spending the last week thinking about this aspect of myself and wondering what she needed, or how I could separate her from my true self, I hadn't come up with much. It seems obvious now, but the problem with her, the little girl, is that she is linked with the malnourishing mother. My Mom really gave me all she had, I believe that. Only, she wasn't shown hardly any love, and a hell of a lot of disapproval. She had to comfort herself, and learn how to grow up and survive without anyone to show her how. So she taught me that I should take pills to deal with my fears, and sedate myself if I got too upset. Indirectly, she taught me that I shouldn't reach very high, or try too hard, because she was constantly needing to protect me from dying!!!<br />
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I actually had a conversation with her today about "the Power of Now". I love that we can have these completely different conversations about trying to use healthy thoughts to defeat anxiety now. That we don't just talk over each other, each of us wanting to be heard how hard our lives and health were. <br />
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So back to 6 year-old me. The one who's always in my dreams with me when I'm stress dreaming. That I have to take on a ferry, or pack up and leave a hotel to drive back home. The one that I'm struggling to take care of. <br />
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This week has been really, really challenging. I don't think that it is an accident that this week is so difficult after last week's discovery of the little girl. My son, through a variety of events, some of which weren't his fault, ending up being AWOL overnight. The police were involved, very little sleep was had, and anxiety was being put off. <br />
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In the morning, my daughter got up feeling really unwell, at the same time that I was shaking and feeling nauseous. The combination of my being unable to care for her, my son missing, very little sleep and what turned out to be rather vicious diarrhea, just about did me in. I was sitting ( I won't mention where), and telling myself that this could be a turning point if I let it. I could let myself panic and beg someone to take care of my sick child, and medicate the hell out of myself, and possibly lead to a downward spiral. Or I could choose to calm down and try to do the best I could. My daughter is able to take care of herself well enough. I didn't need to take care of her right then. I was getting rather sick to my stomach, but just to get through it instead of imagining all the horrible things that could happen. Son was most likely asleep with his buddy and would call me soon. <br />
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I had been trying to decide whether or not to take some ativan. I couldn't decide if that was just giving my inner child more of the nourishment that just makes her sicker or not. As I was trying to take out just a half a pill, a full pill fell out and landed exactly on my foot. I took that as a sign from the universe and took the pill. When talking about it today, doctor told me that maybe it doesn't have to be only bad for me or good for me. Once again I'm forgetting that there are nuances to everything. Just as I phoned my friend and asked him to be a cheer leader for me, to which he responded (which we have previously set up), "what do you want me to say?"<br />
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I told him that I didn't think I could handle what was happening, and could he tell me that I could and that I was strong, etc. Which he did, and wisely suggested that I try to get out of my head by literally getting out. Doctor asked me why I wanted friend to say those things to me. Why wasn't it enough for me to say it? I just don't believe myself yet. There has been so many years of my filling myself with glue like poison that I don't trust what I say and need others to confirm that what I'm thinking is true. <br />
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Don't trust myself. Don't trust my thoughts. Or instincts. <br />
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<br />Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-4707906902387174462018-01-24T18:10:00.000-08:002018-01-24T18:10:34.267-08:00I have been meaning to start writing again since Christmas. I just started having a panic attack and decided to come on here, and as I was looking up my blog, which my laptop didn't even have saved, I found this article on this woman who suffered from Munchhusen syndrome. The article was called, "addicted to illness". As I read this article, which was basically a lot like me, my anxiety started getting worse. I forced myself to keep reading. I wonder if my shrink has diagnosed me with it. I know he knows that I have either exaggerated symptoms, or flat out faked them, but does he call it that.<br />
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Have I ever flat out faked symptoms? Hmmm. Not sure. Not that that makes a difference really. I had this feeling like I was all shaky at times when I was pregnant, so I exaggerated them to the point of being hospitalized twice.<br />
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I had a sore stomach, because I often made myself feel ill from avoiding pooping. I was getting attention from my Mom for the pain in my lower stomach, so I avoided pooping even more. She had my Dad, who was around because he was dropping one of us off, take me to the hospital, where I was given the odds that there was a 60% chance that I had appendicitis, and if I did, an 11% chance it would burst. I chose the surgery. I knew I didn't have appendicits.<br />
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Right now I think one of the main reasons I'm feeling so much anxiety is because I took marijuana to try to help with the MS symptoms I'm having. Real MS, real symptom. Shaking. Similar to the way I felt when I was pregnant. Instead of taking the normal CBD, I took the other one. The one that isn't recommended for anxiety.<br />
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Gah. I will write about going to others for compassion later. I need to get up for a while to get rid of some of this anxious energy. And to probably poop more from anxiety.<br />
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Ah the ironies of life. I get anxious and have to poop becasue I never learned how to deal with feeling anxious from needing to poop.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-53675207922574871692014-11-03T22:35:00.000-08:002018-01-24T18:10:06.794-08:00Coffee dates and Nora RobertsNovember 3rd, 2014<br />
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So I have been dating this guy. Just coffee dates. I haven't really had time to go out lately on proper dates. We have had quite a few phone conversations though. I mean, two + hours of side splitting, snort inducing conversations. Just complete smart asses from the get go. I met him on the dating site that I went on thinking that it was just to boost my ego and help my get over my boyfriend, but really I was hoping to stop feeling empty. (obviously that is going to have to come from within.)<br />
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I told this guy about the asthma and MS (didn't mention any of my other diseases, but vaguely mentioned other problems), and he had a pretty normal response. Curious and wanting to know what it looks like, and I admit, I down played it. <br />
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After the second coffee date he said something like "let's do something this week". I felt a big hesitation with myself. Later that night I really started thinking about it. What am I doing to this guy? He doesn't have a clue what he is getting into! I mean, he has this totally normal life, where he has dinner with his sister and her family on Sunday nights, and carves pumpkins with his kids, and has successful business. He has a supportive ex wife that allows him to have time to date. Do I deserve happiness? Yes. Does he deserve the party that comes with me? I don't think so.<br />
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So this afternoon at coffee, (which I think he scheduled right after work so I could see him dressed up! How cute is that!?) I laid it on the line. This is the shit that comes with me. Yep. That should do it for him. I think I'll go off and read a Nora Roberts book where someone doesn't think that they ever will be able to make a relationship work, but meet someone, and no matter how much they fight it, they fall in love and live happily ever after. <br />
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Yeah.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3266624521726994427.post-26473323419279182722014-10-05T01:15:00.000-07:002018-01-24T18:08:17.253-08:00online dating with MS?Oct. 10th, 2014<br />
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It seems to be different breaking up post divorce. I don't know really. How can you compare? I feel so differently about relationships. I never think that somebody might be "the one". I never imagine what it would be like to get married. I don't try out his surname to see how it sounds with mine. Well, I still do that, but come on!! I'm still a teenage girl in some inner parts of me! For example: I have been watching break up movies. Actually, one break up movie. And it ended up having a composer as the main character. My boyfriend was a composer. Yeah. </div>
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I was listening to sad songs as well and crying in my pillow. I also was crying as I was making dinner, and my teenage son came in unexpectedly, and hugged me. Then asked me if he could go up to the school because the second hottest girl in his grade was up there and apparently she liked him. See? It's different!</div>
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One of the biggest parts about dating now is, I'm sick. Before I thought it was cute and made me interesting. I was that out of touch. I went on an internet dating site tonight. And sat in my friend's kitchen and giggled at the results. Then her husband asks me if I mentioned my "disease" on my profile. He meant the MS. Then I stopped giggling. You see if you have severe asthma people just hear asthma and imagine some nerdy character in a movie popping an inhaler in an anxious moment. You hear MS, and well, no one really knows what that is, but they know it's bad. He was just curious, but he really had a point.</div>
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How could I make a profile without that glaring fact? How could anyone want to date me with it? At the MS group I went to last weekend, this one guy said something to the effect that I have MS, but it isn't who I am. But here's the thing. I know what a pain in the ass I was to live with when I was sick when I was married. I know how tough it can be on a marriage. I also know that I don't want anyone to have to take care of me again. I don't want to rely on anyone like that again either. Yes, I know better. Yes, I would act differently now. Yes, I think it is going to be really tricky to meet someone who can love me for me and have the perfect amount of compassion and not have the desire to rescue me.</div>
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Ok, I can hear some of my friends telling me that it isn't anyone's business on a dating site whether I have a disease or not. Really, unless we'd been on a few dates and it was looking like there was going to be more, I wouldn't tell them. But sigh. I tend to be pretty fatalistic about it. Perhaps that is one more way I want to stay "sick". If I consider myself too broken to have a relationship, then I can't consider myself well. </div>
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I'll have to think on that more.</div>
Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04707919825534171564noreply@blogger.com0