I'm so fricking depressed right now. I just made plans to go out for a very significant birthday. One I didn't think I would live to see. My sad, sad plans are to try to go to a very close restaurant, and then to a family friends' for cake. Or if I don't feel well enough, just to their house for cake. 

Ten years ago a threw a party and had two guys end up there that both thought they were my boyfriend. Was of them was very off base, but it still is funny to think about now. Now that I've had no one for 2 years. Now that I'm fairly sure there will never be anyone ever again. I can barely leave the house without paying for it with pain and massive fatigue. How can I expect anyone to willingly share my life now. Maybe if they knew me before. Maybe. 

I spent so much of the time since my divorce keeping people just far enough away to stop them from loving me. At least that's what I choose to believe. Not that I'm unable to be in a loving romantic relationship. Not that I'm unlovable. I spent waayy too much time in therapy to believe that. I think.

An old boyfriend and I have been talking and he made a comment about my marrying him. It was clearly a joke, but when I responded that I would have to be dead, he got a bit upset. I mean, I don't even know if he remembers the conversation now. It set me off somehow though. He was getting upset that I wouldn't want to marry him, but he wouldn't even want a girlfriend. And he definitely wouldn't marry me. Even when we were together. 

But here's the weird part, that I can't wrap my head around. Now I'm upset!! Why the hell am I suddenly so upset that no one is here? That I'm not ever going to end up happily coupled. I thought it was just a phase!  I thought I would eventually meet the person that I could make it work with. That I would love him, and he would love me back. At the same time. 

Break for crying. 

It has to be that it's almost my birthday and I'm alone, right?

C Diff is difficile!!

Who could have seen it coming? Loads of people? Ok, true. When my doctor asked me if I was taking probiotics when I was mid way through my five weeks of antibiotics, I thought that he meant, "would I be taking probiotics after I was done this course."  He didn't. I didn't know that you're supposed to take them DURING the course! Well, I'll never forget now!! 

Who knew that I could wish that I could go back in time and start antibiotics all over!! I wish I could go back, send in a lovely sample of my mucous, then get the right antibiotics, AND take probiotics. Yes please! Can I go back almost two months!!! My Wahl's protocol is barely existent. ARG!!!

Maybe I'll at least lose some weight with all this diarrhea, right? Not so far. Ugh.  Fingers crossed that it's just water retention?? Yes?? No??

The best/worst part is that the few people that I have told react with the following words: CRAP, SHITTY, OH POOP!! And they don't mean to be punny!! Oh well. It is indeed poopy. 

The perfect virus. Omg. It takes away your appetite and your thirst, all while dehydrating you!!! Evil genius.  

I don't know if I'll be so silly and sarcastic if this continues. I have a fairly mild case, (although it doesn't feel mild) so far. It's been over a week, but (butt) I'm still determined to kick it's butt. 

Goodnight folks, tip your waitress.

 

Antibiotics x three, who's living the good life!?!

Antibiotic number three is working. Yaaayy (there is NOT much celebrating). I still have the metal taste in my mouth! I was fairly alarmed to see that I already had it a month ago! It usually only lasts a few days! Ok. Don't freak out.  Just because it is still there, doesn't mean it will always be there! I counted the pills I have left to take still, and it was really depressing. I put off going on the third dose for a couple of days so that I could go get this pain shot that I would be reeaaalllyy sorry to miss. I was too worried about how my stomach would be, and decided that it was worth putting it off.  The only reason I regret it is that I still have so long to go. 

I was about to say that there was a silver lining, and there is. I just could really imagine the silver since my cheek tastes like I have a penny stored in there. Sigh.  

The silver lining is that I'm VERY motivated to go hard core on the Wahl's protocol. I managed four cups of produce today, thanks mostly to to a very cold smoothy. I made it very cold so that it would have less of a taste. It made me chuckle a little to realize that four cups seems so easy.  

I read a few of my older posts to see when I started this infection, and when I looked back I saw that my post about being ghosted and restarting got a lot of views. That makes me laugh. I'm pouring my heart out about something that most people wouldn't want to read. I'm sure most, if not all of those "views" were people who didn't read much!! Dating with multiple health problems. Yep. Page turner.

It was inspiring to read that and to see how I'm still doing the things I started. Well, I mean I have had to pause a lot of it for now, but I still feel like I'm dedicated to my new life!  I haven't been with any relationship since the ghosting. I'm tempted to look back and see exactly how long it has been, but I won't. I don't want to get discouraged. I don't think about dating very much, or maybe I should say that I don't think about it as much as I used to. Maybe I'm just getting old. It's still one of my goals though. To fall in love with somebody. I'm using the word with meaning that they love me too. At the same time. 

I've started doing a physio exercise to build up my endurance, I think he called it. It is really difficult to see how little I can do, but I'm just trying to focus on the fact that I'm doing it at all! You can't build up strength if you never start. Honestly though, I think most of those who know me would be pretty alarmed at how little I can do. But that's OK. I'm only telling you, invisible reader.

Resist antibiotic resistance!!

 So, 'member last time, when I was complaining about how bad the antibiotics were making me feel? That the antibiotics were causing nausea, which required Gravol, which made my vision and dizziness worse? That the sinus infection was causing my MS symptom of pins and needles and burning feeling on my skin worse, which caused me to take marijuana, which flares up my asthma, which causes me to take asthma meds which help my sinus symptoms, but make my MS worse? And how I didn't think they were working, but I would give it one more day!? Yeah, good job listening to yourself. (sarcasm)

I've been on the different antibiotics for a combination of 12 days over two weeks, and I'm now waiting for my doctor to answer my email in which I told him that my infection is getting worse. I struggle through the side effects from the drugs that are vital. I struggle through the side effects of the drugs that I take to deal with the side effects from the drugs that are vital. I know in my heart that the drugs aren't working, but I put off starting new ones because I'm hoping the infection will just magically go away because I am scared of what the next side effects will be. Here's the story so far:

I email my doctor (as per previously arranged by him) and tell him I am pretty sure I have a sinus infection. I tell him that I'm going to still try to fight it with saline rinses and steroid liquids, but that I don't want to have to bother him on the weekend, so I'd better get a script now. I tell him I saved 2days of Doxy from last time so that I would be able to start right away. 

He responds with telling me that he's going to prescribe me more Doxy and he'll leave it up to me to decided if I need them. I think to myself that it would be a better idea to start something else as I am concerned with developing resistance, but I don't mention it.

I get a message from the pharmacy to let me know that I have prescriptions ready, and do I want them delivered. I ask them to hold onto them.

A day or two later I decide that I'm being stupid not to start the pills as I am definitely getting an infection, and if it gets much worse, my asthma or my MS or both will flare up. I start the Doxy that I have and email my doc to tell him that I'd rather have something else because it is giving me pretty bad heartburn. 

Then I get really sick. I start shaking pretty hard, which is really weird, but then I get nauseous and start doing what we call in my house, "everybody out!" That means that it seems like everything in your digestive system urgently needs to escape.  This sometimes includes both exits, but this time I get away with just the back exit after some taking some gravol. I feel lousy all day. I have phone call with doctor and he says he'll prescribe me something else. (He does check with me what I'm allergic to) *update: it was something I ate, as I got sick when I had it a week later. I didn't need to change this time!!*

I get a phone call from the pharmacist.

"You've been prescribed Moxi. You are allergic to Cipro. What is the reaction?"

Me: "Hives all over."

Pharmacist: "Ok, you definitely not that then."

So I email doc and have almost word for word the same conversation. 

Here's my big question: Do they think I don't know the difference between allergic and side effect?! Sheesh. I've been dealing with this since I was a preschooler!

After a few more emails and phone calls, I get Ammox-Clavu. Which I KNOW I've had too often, but considering how upset my stomach is, I play along and hope for the best. IDIOT!! Ok. I can't talk so badly about myself. I know my doctor is really good at his job, except this part. Now I have to start again. And now it has been weeks since I've been eating basically any vegetables!! This is REALLY difficult.

This is why I do it

This is why I'm trying so hard to change my life. This WEEK! THIS feeling!!! Being sick with co-morbidities is MISERABLE and if there is anything that I can do to stop feeling like this, I WILL do it. 

I have a sinus infection, and I will keep getting sinus infections until I am able to have surgery again, but for now I have to be on antibiotics. It took more than a week to find one that I could tolerate, and now I am only tolerating it by taking Gravol everyday to deal with the nausea. I'm not even sure they are working. I've giving them one more day for now. 

Anytime my immune system get activated, I have an MS symptom flare up. It feels like my skin is either burning on fire, or just so sensitive that I don't want anything touching it. I also have the most fun symptom of everything tasting wrong- tasting metallic.  My sense of smell is coming back since I'm working so hard on my sinuses, which is horrible because I can only smell some things, and their scent is so strong that it gives me a headache and nausea!

I also have a really bad headache from my neck being out caused by my scoliosis. So just in case I didn't have a headache and nausea before, I definitely do now!! 

I have other things happening, but that is the short version of my misery. I will just note right here how much fun it is to try and eat adding in the financial restraints I have because I can't earn any money for a couple of years. Food is SO expensive lately! Thanks covid. 

There are many positive things that I think about and want to get better for. I think about them and write them down and do all the positive mindset things that I can think of. Right now I am just reinforcing how motivating it is to remember how badly I don't want to feel this sick. Few people understand, but I can always talk to myself! This is so hard. I spend all day just trying to get through the hours. I'm in pain and so fatigued and feel awful. 

We need a better word for awful. Full of awe. That is not how I feel. Horrible. Full of Horror. Ok, I think it's time to finally let the gravol knock me out. I'm just getting silly.

I went 6 months and then cheated on Wahl's

My deepest apologies if this post seems a trifle formal today. I have been partaking in far more Diana Gabaldon than perhaps is prudent as of late.

 I have decided that I must go back a step or two with Wahl's. I've made a few mistakes. I decided to go off wheat, but somehow quickly turned that into gluten instead. It was too big of a step. I managed for over a week, but then I decided to go off milk too! I have been miserable. 

I'm really surprised at myself. I have been gradually decreasing some things and increasing some others since September! For example: going off just cheese instead of all dairy at once, or making sure a have a cup of green leafy vegetables a day.  Both of these strategies have been to ensure the highest chances of success, but then I make a giant leap!  

I think what happened is that once I reached my goals of eating 6 cups of fruit and vegetables, and going off sugar, coffee and dairy (except I was still having milk), I started looking forward to new goals.  I wasn't exactly sure where to go next, so I plunge in head first into the Wahl's Protocol book, and quickly start thinking that my goals were out of line with what I should have been concentrating on. I forgot why I made the goals that I did in the first place, and immediately start charging ahead making drastic changes!

Yes, I could probably have done the last 6 months differently, but I have been very successful at reaching my goals! I wanted to give my body the chance to to be able to digest that much produce. I wanted to give up some foods slowly and replace them with others to make it less difficult to quit. Maybe the most important of all is that I wanted to give my system a slow enough speed of detoxifying as to prevent my getting really sick!! I feel as if I should make a sign out of this and post it on the wall, so that I don't forget and get too impatient again.

Once I started reading the book again (and not just skimming a lot of it this time) my frustration at the lack of changes to my life grew as I read peoples' accounts of their experiences. They were saying how they noticed a difference in either a few days, or a couple of weeks! I have been working on this since September! I only count from Christmas though as I didn't start my full effort until then. It has been six months though!

When I saw all of the things that I wasn't doing yet, it really motivated me to make big changes in order to start seeing some real results. This rash thinking forgot to take all of my previous reasoning into mind. I went off gluten. That wasn't the goal. The goal was to go off wheat. That is a BIG change for me. I was having wheat once or twice a day most days. I should have started adding in more servings of  things like quinoa, and rice, and tried to incorporate one or two gluten free possibilities. Then I should have gone off gluten, and added in other options at the same time. THEN I should have gone off milk (Possibly milk then gluten).

I know some people say that you shouldn't say should, but I don't always agree with that. I am looking at mistakes I've made. I acknowledge that I could have done this differently. Now I will have to make corrections. 

You see I cheated. I haven't cheated once before now (except the two cheat days I allowed myself, one every three months). I give up butter, no more butter. I give up chocolate, no more chocolate.  I'm not beating myself up too badly. I had an iced coffee with cow's milk and a scone. The scone wasn't even that good. 

I had been hungry every day for about a week. I was trying to gradually add in some "gluten free" stuff, which left me pretty limited choices in what to eat. Oh!! One HUGE factor was that I went off oats as well!! My rosacea was getting really red on days when I hadn't had any caffeine or anything else that I thought might cause it, and I had been having a lot more oatmeal. That left me with a big hole in my diet. I thought I could go gluten free because I had oatmeal for breakfast. I forgot about that. 

Anyhoo, I have allowed myself milk again once a day, and I am having some wheat, etc. while I figure out how to go more gradually off these things, and how to cook differently to compensate. I'm not totally sure I can do it, to be honest. I just don't have the energy to prepare meals often enough, and it's getting pretty expensive to eat like this. 

We shall see. I'm definitely not giving up yet. I sure am getting impatient though. I want to go out into the world a lot more often, and let's face it, this whole too sick to date thing has gotten very, very, old. 

I'm embarrassingly excited to eat gluten free bread!!

 I was just reading a post from last year. In it I talked about how I was told that if you start journaling (when you begin meditating) that you will be surprised at the changes in three months, and really surprised after 6. (She types after she has managed to journal consistently for a couple of weeks.) hmmm

I've started meeting with a health coach once a week for thirty minutes. We set goals and basically talk about how the goals from last week went, and if anything can be done to clear anything that might hamper completing this week's goals. This week it has been to either journal or read Wahl's Protocol for thirty minutes a day. I think I will keep the same goal until I finish meeting with her, along with other goals, of course. 

Today I had what I'm pretty sure will be my last sip of cow's milk. I'm am trying to be officially off all dairy as of now!  I also had my first piece of gluten free bread. It was pretty good.  My stomach felt a bit off after I ate it, but I'm going to try it again. It turns out this one has sugar in it, so I'll have to check the ingredients better for the next loaf, but it has been progress. I was so miserable going gluten free, but I realized that I was basically going grain free! I don't need to go that extreme yet (or hopefully ever). I ordered some rice crackers, and the bread, and some dairy replacement things. I'm so glad that I can have some bread sometimes. The thought of never having a hamburger again was really depressing!

Today I had the bread. Tomorrow I think I might finally try either the coconut milk or the coconut yogurt. I'm thinking that the yogurt might not work out, but maybe it'll be great in smoothies? I miss having yogurt, but I haven't been able to eat it for years. Not since they added probiotics. Hmmm...that's interesting. So much of this protocol is about making your gut happy. Dr. Wahl talks about how we are basically sharing this body with all our little bacteria, etc. Gross. Fair point though. I'm working on making my own probiotics inside my tummy!

Holy moley. Considering the fact that I have already been off gluten for over a week (except I had Corn Flakes which has gluten, but that was an accident so it doesn't count) and the fact that now I'm off milk....that means I've made it to all my goals??? Holy freaking moley. 

I'm definitely not going to celebrate yet because I'm not quite there. The gluten free is still too fresh, and the no milk isn't even at one day yet. Ok maybe a little celebration? Yay me!!! 

I'm not consistently at 6 cups of produce. I actually hit 9 cups one day! I go over 6 cups more days then under, but I've had a couple 5's. So this week is about making sure I maintain the 6, carefully adding some new options, and making sure that I'm getting more green leafy vegetables. I'm actually smiling and shaking my head in disbelief at myself. I'm so proud!!