Wednesday 24 January 2018

I have been meaning to start writing again since Christmas. I just started having a panic attack and decided to come on here, and as I was looking up my blog, which my laptop didn't even have saved, I found this article on this woman who suffered from Munchhusen syndrome.  The article was called, "addicted to illness". As I read this article, which was basically a lot like me, my anxiety started getting worse. I forced myself to keep reading.  I wonder if my shrink has diagnosed me with it. I know he knows that I have either exaggerated symptoms, or flat out faked them, but does he call it that.

Have I ever flat out faked symptoms? Hmmm. Not sure.  Not that that makes a difference really. I had this feeling like I was all shaky at times when I was pregnant, so I exaggerated them to the point of being hospitalized twice.

I had a sore stomach, because I often made myself feel ill from avoiding pooping. I was getting attention from my Mom for the pain in my lower stomach, so I avoided pooping even more.  She had my Dad, who was around because he was dropping one of us off, take me to the hospital, where I was given the odds that there was a 60% chance that I had appendicitis, and if I did, an 11% chance it would burst. I chose the surgery. I knew I didn't have appendicits.

Right now I think one of the main reasons I'm feeling so much anxiety is because I took marijuana to try to help with the MS symptoms I'm having. Real MS, real symptom. Shaking. Similar to the way I felt when I was pregnant. Instead of taking the normal CBD, I took the other one. The one that isn't recommended for anxiety.

Gah. I will write about going to others for compassion later. I need to get up for a while to get rid of some of this anxious energy.  And to probably poop more from anxiety.

Ah the ironies of life. I get anxious and have to poop becasue I never learned how to deal with feeling anxious from needing to poop.

No comments:

Post a Comment