Monday, 3 November 2014

Coffee dates and Nora Roberts

November 3rd, 2014

So I have been dating this guy.  Just coffee dates.  I haven't really had time to go out lately on proper dates. We have had quite a few phone conversations though.  I mean, two + hours of side splitting, snort inducing conversations.  Just complete smart asses from the get go.  I met him on the dating site that I went on thinking that it was just to boost my ego and help my get over my boyfriend, but really I was hoping to stop feeling empty.  (obviously that is going to have to come from within.)

I told this guy about the asthma and MS (didn't mention any of my other diseases, but vaguely mentioned other problems), and he had a pretty normal response. Curious and wanting to know what it looks like, and I admit, I down played it.

After the second coffee date he said something like "let's do something this week".  I felt a big hesitation with myself. Later that night I really started thinking about it.  What am I doing to this guy?  He doesn't have a clue what he is getting into!  I mean, he has this totally normal life, where he has dinner with his sister and her family on Sunday nights, and carves pumpkins with his kids, and has successful business.  He has a supportive ex wife that allows him to have time to date.  Do I deserve happiness?  Yes.  Does he deserve the party that comes with me?  I don't think so.

So this afternoon at coffee, (which I think he scheduled right after work so I could see him dressed up!  How cute is that!?) I laid it on the line.  This is the shit that comes with me.  Yep.  That should do it for him.  I think I'll go off and read a Nora Roberts book where someone doesn't think that they ever will be able to make a relationship work, but meet someone, and no matter how much they fight it, they fall in love and live happily ever after.

Yeah.

Sunday, 5 October 2014

I will go on.

May 20th,
Headache (neck?)
nausea still.
fatigue pretty bad

Maybe this should be a private post as I really should just be in my journal, but no one is reading this, right?  The guy I've been seeing is taking time to decide if we should still be seeing each other considering he has a problem admitting that I am his girlfriend (Is it the wording? Is it commitment? Is it that he's just not that into me?). Considering that I am falling in love with him, that can't be a good sign.  The nausea is probably my pancreas says my blood tests.  Maybe he should get out while the getting is good.

Why do I do this?  I wasn't even sure I wanted to date him when I met him.  Now women ask me what's wrong with him? How can he be that perfect?  Well, he's not going to fall in love with me.  Pretty big deal breaker I'd say.

So I'm sitting here waiting for him to debate whether or not he wants to be with me???? Wait a second!  What am I thinking!!?? Aren't I worth love?  I mean I know he loves me.  Love is a thousand things.  But it isn't enough is it?  I think that it is better to be with someone it is more likely that I'll never live with because for one thing, I'm chicken, and for another, then I never have to worry about someone having to deal with all my health problems and even more, then I don't have to worry about turning into a psycho bitch.  Again.

I really, really, really like being with him.  I want to keep being with him.  I should tell him that it isn't enough.  That I'm worth more.  That I want to hold out for someone to love me. That I'm not more broken than most people.  That I am worth love, even with all my damage.  If only I could tell myself that.  But then I wouldn't get the chance to wait and see if he does.  If he will ever.  I want to ask him if he's still in love with his ex, but I don't want to know the answer.  I know the answer. What does she have that I don't have?  Besides a husband.  And good health.  And his love.  And perhaps a decent tennis game.  I'm such a loser.

He won't break up with me yet.  He won't want to go to the concert alone.  Wow.  That's terrible.  I'm holding on to that!?  I wish life was easier right now so that I would have this pretty full life, and he would just be one hole.  That it wouldn't seem that there are so many holes in my life right now, and I'm having to walk super carefully through and I might fall down, down, down and have to claw my way back up and I'm so tired of climbing back up.  I climb so far and I hold on so tightly, and still I am still down here.  Still I can look up and see so much up high, out of my reach. Always so high.  I'll never be big enough, or tall enough, or brave enough or worthy enough to grab it. So I'll stay down here.  Walking carefully between all these holes.  Or are they land mines?  I've already lost my marriage, financial security, was little was left of my employable health, my friendship with my ex husband, every job I've ever had, my carefree belief that I would always be mentally in one piece.

But what choice do I have?  I am a fighter.  I never give up!  I throw myself on my bed and pull the covers over my head and promise myself that I will never get up again. That I will stay there and be miserable until everyone in the world is worried about me. Then I cry for about five minutes, sniff, realise I'm bored and do something else.  This is not the end of the world.  I will go on.

online dating with MS?

Oct. 10th, 2014

It seems to be different breaking up post divorce.  I don't know really.  How can you compare?  I feel so differently about relationships.  I never think that somebody might be "the one".  I never imagine what it would be like to get married.  I don't try out his surname to see how it sounds with mine.  Well, I still do that, but come on!! I'm still a teenage girl in some inner parts of me!  For example:  I have been watching break up movies.  Actually, one break up movie. And it ended up having a composer as the main character.  My boyfriend was a composer.  Yeah. 

I was listening to sad songs as well and crying in my pillow.  I also was crying as I was making dinner, and my teenage son came in unexpectedly, and hugged me. Then asked me if he could go up to the school because the second hottest girl in his grade was up there and apparently she liked him.  See?  It's different!

One of the biggest parts about dating now is, I'm sick.  Before I thought it was cute and made me interesting. I was that out of touch. I went on an internet dating site tonight.  And sat in my friend's kitchen and giggled at the results. Then her husband asks me if I mentioned my "disease" on my profile.  He meant the MS.  Then I stopped giggling.  You see if you have severe asthma people just hear asthma and imagine some nerdy character in a movie popping an inhaler in an anxious moment. You hear MS, and well, no one really knows what that is, but they know it's bad.  He was just curious, but he really had a point.

How could I make a profile without that glaring fact?  How could anyone want to date me with it?  At the MS group I went to last weekend, this one guy said something to the effect that I have MS, but it isn't who I am.  But here's the thing.  I know what a pain in the ass I was to live with when I was sick when I was married.  I know how tough it can be on a marriage. I also know that I don't want anyone to have to take care of me again. I don't want to rely on anyone like that again either.  Yes, I know better.  Yes, I would act differently now.  Yes, I think it is going to be really tricky to meet someone who can love me for me and have the perfect amount of compassion and not have the desire to rescue me.

Ok, I can hear some of my friends telling me that it isn't anyone's business on a dating site whether I have a disease or not.  Really, unless we'd been on a few dates and it was looking like there was going to be more, I wouldn't tell them.  But sigh.  I tend to be pretty fatalistic about it.  Perhaps that is one more way I want to stay "sick".  If I consider myself too broken to have a relationship, then I can't consider myself well.  

I'll have to think on that more.

Monday, 29 September 2014

How many blog entries start with the vow to start posting more often?

September 29th, 2014 12:17 am

I wonder how many blog entries start with the vow to start posting more?

I did the Oprah/Deepak 21 day meditation challenge.  One day while I was pretty deep in meditation the thought came to me that I should be writing about dating/being a single Mom with health issues.  I've thought about it a bunch of times in the last couple of weeks, but didn't finally get my butt in gear until today.

I'm just coming off a relapse.  I found myself thinking about how I haven't been taking any meds for my MS because I only have a relapse about every 3-4 months.  So it's easier to deal with the actual relapses than the side-effects from the medications.  Then I realized that considering that my relapses last 3-4 weeks, that about a 1/3 of a year I'm sick!!!  YIKES!! 

The very long summer is finally over, kids are back in school, broke up with boyfriend I've been on-again-off-again with for 8 months, and I've got a couple of months until the next relapse, so time to get back to work (and by work I mean working on being healthy)!  Ok, pause!  I'm assuming that I am going to keep having relapses every 3 months!!! That's so negative!  I don't know that!  How much is my wanting to stay an invalid behind that!  I must not believe that! I can choose to stop waiting for one to pounce.  I will be positive and take positive steps to stay healthy!  And use less exclamation marks!!!  Which brings me back to my point....

I decided to go back to MS doctor, especially since I know old cranky one has retired and new fresh one has started.  Love him!! He said something to the effect that "if you say you see peanut butter and jelly sandwiches floating through the air after you tried a drug, I have to believe you!  It's your body." Awesome! Of course I pointed out that I hoped he would refer me to a psychiatrist if that was the case, but still!  He talked me into trying Copaxone.  Apparently side effects are mainly about the injection sites!! It somehow convinces the MS to eat it instead of the myelin (lining on your brain). So, here we go again.  Sigh.  And he wants me to have another MRI. Sigh.  

I also am keen to get back on my New Year's Resolution to get my body strong enough that when I get sick I can rebound faster.  I'm thinking gym now.  Especially since I'm single again.  SIGH.  

Another thing that I'm working on is getting back out there, job wise.  I am making a little money as a seamstress, but it isn't enough.  Financially or mentally.  I have aspired to volunteer at the MS centre.  And to work at the yoga studio's will work for yoga program.  Hopefully I can start working enough there to get in at least a class a week.  

I went to a MS support group again today for the first time in years.  I actually really enjoyed it! People were positive and really looking to engage instead of complain.  I mean, yes, talk about your problems and how you are coping, but let's not dwell on how hard it is!  One of the reasons I went is because I would love to work there somehow.  Even just volunteering.  I was so surprised to see it is next door to the tower where I used to work that I loved!! 

I'm so happy to be getting busy again. I'm still struggling with fatigue.  My daughter has a cold, and I think I might be fighting one.  I will not give up on my goals though!! I have to find a way to get this house back to shape after being so tired for weeks.  And yes, I have to admit a week of letting myself wallow about boyfriend.  Time to get going, Jezz!!

Maybe next time I'll write about the joys of trying to meet somebody when you have invisible illnesses!!

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

The tooth fairy is at least better than the Easter Bunny

April 15th 11:32 pm

Health Issues:  Still neck out/ headache, peeing like crazy (MS or crampy nausea thing?) took inhaler twice.
Exercise: noooooooooo
Sleep: Actually fell asleep without lying in bed for hours first, :) but woke up several times (not just to pee). Went back to sleep after school run. :(

Do I still have to do the tooth fairy thing?  She's ten, and losing molars.  She hasn't put a tooth under her pillow for a couple of years, but tonight she decided to do it again.  Set reminder alarm?  Check.  Check to see if you have proper change? Uncheck.  Swap quarters for proper change from son's drawer?  Check.

When did I become so grumpy about stuff that used to be so fun?? Same daughter spend happy hours decorating for Easter today, and I wouldn't help more than give the occasional suggestion where to put things.  Poor child. With my older daughter I would have been at it for hours. Having sugar cookies all ready to roll and cut out after school, and ice after dinner.  Now I'm thrilled ex husband is doing egg hunt with much, much younger girlfriend who might still think it is fun.

Speaking of ex husband, I think that has something to do with it.  When did it stop being so much fun? Somewhere between "you're pregnant" and "it you don't get off that freaking computer and help me hide these eggs I'm going to run away and never come back".  Yeah.  Somewhere between, "I have all this energy to decorate eggs" and "if I'm going to make actual dinner and not some frozen version, I'd better lie on the sofa for the next hour and not help daughter decorate." Sigh.

I can't believe how many women have babies at my age.  I mean, I don't have nearly the energy to deal with a ten year old, never mind a baby!! Of course, most of them don't have any diseases, never mind several, never mind MS.  Boo.  No feeling sorry for myself. Chin up.  Could be worse.  Has been worse.  At least I'm not making myself trying to find fun things that fit in plastic eggs that are not technically candy.

Note to self: Remind ex to fill plastic eggs with something besides actual candy.

Monday, 14 April 2014

April 14th 11:42 pm

Health issues:  head ache from neck out, still nauseous and some cramping, not much MS to mention.
Exercise:  Does walking to school count?
Sleep:  Went back to bed after kids went to school for hours.  Didn't fall asleep until after 4 am last night.

Grumpy today.  Can't I just have one day with no health issues at all??  My head was pounding this morning, so I did next to nothing today.  Grrr.  Took son to doctor.  Came back, made frozen vegetables into stir fry and then sewed on the sofa until bed.  Sigh.  Well, it wasn't a totally unproductive day.

My Mom has already made vague menacing comments about how I'd better be better by this weekend so I can go for Easter.  Double sigh.

I have been so hungry today!!! I seriously don't seem able to get full.  I just broke into a new box of girl guide cookies that I obviously won't be selling now, and I'm still hungry.  I only ate three cookies as I didn't want to feel crappy from eating too much sugar.  Then I ate four licorice.  Still hungry.  What is going on with my system?? Too crazy.

Must resist watching more tv shows and sleep instead.  Hopefully.

Happier than I've been in a while (not counting the muscle relaxants)

I have been reading Bridget Jones: Mad about the Boy, and just finished Someday, Someday Maybe, both of which inspired me to start blogging like this:

April 14th, 1:33 am
health issues:  neck out (headache!!!), pins and needles in hands (3/10), nausea/mysterious cramping pain 3/10, asthma symptoms 3/10
exercise:  walked the dog (a lot of sitting), workout with bf 30 mins
woke up at 10:30 (due to delightful picnic plans with bf), nap 1 hour+

I started trying to take injections for my MS again.  Made it one injection this time.  Decided to stop again since I became so nauseous (not a side effect of the meds) that I was having trouble functioning at all.  Turns out I have some thing like an ovarian cyst.  Definitely not UT infection, definitely not pregnant (yeah thanks for checking, sigh), definitely want to throw up, pain in what I now know is my ovary once examined by doc, and super sore nipples.  I'm supposed to go for an ultra sound, but I'm just wishing that it will go away on its own.  It has been getting better over the weekend.

I was proud of myself for not immediately stressing out who will take care of me after my surgery for the removal of my not-yet-even-close-to-certain ovarian cyst.  I was tempted to tell ex husband I needed surgery since he has been such a capital douche bag to me lately, but that was for about a nano-second before I realized it wouldn't get me anywhere.  Firstly, he wouldn't give a flying flip.  Secondly, I don't want to give in to my crazy urges to get attention for being sick.  It doesn't make me feel any better, actually, it makes me feel worse.

I was thinking last night about breaking up with bf though.  I think that he is under the impression that if he just gets over this "rough time" that I will stop being sick, than we can start to enjoy a more active lifestyle, or something.  I mean, we have a pretty great set up.  He has his kids every other week,  so  he can't see me more than maybe a lunch that week, and he is so active and busy, I only see him one night on the other weekend, and maybe an evening or afternoon. He does various "challenging activities" such as a 3 hour bike ride, but saves going to a play or something to do with me. When we first met though, he expressed his doubts about us working long term as he is looking for someone who is active. Yep.  Not me.  Someone to hike a mountain in the morning and then bike ride to the grocery store just because it is physically demanding? Yeah, no.  Sometimes I have to choose between the energy to shop for dinner, or the energy to cook it. Big SIGH.
 So eventually we must end.  I feel it. It is too much almost for me to deal with sometimes.  Living with all my freaking health issues, I mean.  Why should he have to?  We really get along.  There isn't any magic really, but we really like spending time together.  It will get old though, and I'll probably be sad, but I'm not ready to break up yet.  I mean, he emails me to see if I want to go on a picnic this morning!! Hello?  YES!! He even made chocolate covered strawberries. Made them.  And then told me I had some chocolate on my lips and kissed it off for me, and I was one of those happy couples in the park having a picnic, kissing as other people walk by.  I wasn't one of those people strolling along with miserable health problems walking my dog alone, despising the gross, happy people for kissing on their stupid picnic.  I even wore a dress, and he loved it.  I had to stop my skirt from blowing in the wind like Marilyn Monroe, sort of.

Yeah, don't want to break up with him yet!!

When I'm with him I don't want to be sick, or talk about being sick, or be anxious, or think about being anxious.  I want to have nicer manners, and not text in front of people, and never return a container empty, and make thank you cards, and be healthy, and have a clean house, and basically have my shit together!!!! I always say that a relationship is never a waste as long as you are still learning, and I'm still learning so much and happy.  Happier than I've been in a while.