I'm so fricking depressed right now. I just made plans to go out for a very significant birthday. One I didn't think I would live to see. My sad, sad plans are to try to go to a very close restaurant, and then to a family friends' for cake. Or if I don't feel well enough, just to their house for cake. 

Ten years ago a threw a party and had two guys end up there that both thought they were my boyfriend. Was of them was very off base, but it still is funny to think about now. Now that I've had no one for 2 years. Now that I'm fairly sure there will never be anyone ever again. I can barely leave the house without paying for it with pain and massive fatigue. How can I expect anyone to willingly share my life now. Maybe if they knew me before. Maybe. 

I spent so much of the time since my divorce keeping people just far enough away to stop them from loving me. At least that's what I choose to believe. Not that I'm unable to be in a loving romantic relationship. Not that I'm unlovable. I spent waayy too much time in therapy to believe that. I think.

An old boyfriend and I have been talking and he made a comment about my marrying him. It was clearly a joke, but when I responded that I would have to be dead, he got a bit upset. I mean, I don't even know if he remembers the conversation now. It set me off somehow though. He was getting upset that I wouldn't want to marry him, but he wouldn't even want a girlfriend. And he definitely wouldn't marry me. Even when we were together. 

But here's the weird part, that I can't wrap my head around. Now I'm upset!! Why the hell am I suddenly so upset that no one is here? That I'm not ever going to end up happily coupled. I thought it was just a phase!  I thought I would eventually meet the person that I could make it work with. That I would love him, and he would love me back. At the same time. 

Break for crying. 

It has to be that it's almost my birthday and I'm alone, right?