I just went through an interesting thing.
I was driving to pick up Ana from school. I had been having a lot of anxiety all day. Then these questions came to me:
Is there someone who is trying to hurt you?
NO
Is there an animal that is trying to eat you?
NO
Are you in a natural disaster that you are in danger?
NO
Are you in any actual danger at all?
NO!!
I'm safe. I was on my bed, in my house, alone, and feeling afraid. Looping in my head over and over trying to find a way to feel safe, and I AM actually safe.
So what is the danger that I feel?
I'm going to freak out.
What does that mean?
I'm going to have a panic attack.
Well, you're already starting to panic, so what are you worried about.
That people will see or know that I am panicking and will think I'm disgusting.
Do people usually think you're disgusting when you're showing your anxiety?
No, but they don't understand. They think I'm crazy or weird.
Do you know that, or think that?
I don't know what they are thinking, but I know that I feel very uncomfortable when people are acting crazy around me. And sometimes when I let someone see my anxiety, they avoid me in future.
Do people who love you think you're disgusting or avoid you?
No. They want to help. They want me to feel better.
Do you think that people can't love you if you are anxious.
Yes.
Why is that?
Because I know my ex husband left me because my anxiety was too much to bear.
Did he say that?
No, but I think that's one of the reasons that he left.
Why else do you think he left.
I was yelling at him all the time because he wouldn't stop working with that con man. He hated it when I yelled at him, and it definitely pushed him further away, rather than draw him closer to me.
That seems to make sense.
Yes, and I think he worked so much to avoid me: his angry, yelling, nagging, needy wife.
That doesn't seem like it has much to do with anxiety.
No, I know that was hard for him, but it wasn't what drove him away.
Ok, so your ex husband didn't leave you because you were anxious. Do you think he stopped loving you because you were anxious?
No. He loved me. He wanted me to be better.
So is there anyone else, that has stopped loving you when you showed them anxiety.
No. (scoffs)
So can you think of any actual danger to you when you are feeling anxious?
Well, people might think less of me.
Is that a danger?
It isn't a good thing.
But is it dangerous?
No. I guess not. It just hurts.
Have you ever thought less of someone because they were anxious?
I guess I have. I know when my mom didn't go on the plane to Utah, I thought she wimped out.
Even though you know the fear she must have been feeling?
Yeah, but I wasn't able to empathize as much because I wasn't suffering from anxiety as much at the time.
Can you think of another example?
I know this one time my older daughter decided to turn around and go home when she was stuck in traffic on the way to my younger daughter's performance. She knew she was already late, and decided she didn't want to go through the anxiety for the small bit of concert she might catch.
Did you think less of her?
No! Not at all! I was disappointed, but I totally understood.
That sounds a bit more empathetic.
Yeah, I'm actually thinking about many times I've tried to help by giving understanding when someone was anxious. It seemed to help.
I wonder if you would like someone to be understanding. If you would like it if people are compassionate to you when you're afraid.
Oh! They usually are!
Can you think of someone who isn't?
Me. My Mom.
Your Mom?
Yes, she sometimes gets upset at me when I can't make myself visit.
What do you imagine that she's upset at you for?
That I don't love her enough to get over myself. That I can't make myself stop feeling anxious.
That ....I don't know. That I'm letting down the family?
That actually is true. I'm sure they don't understand.
They don't understand what exactly?
They don't understand that I'm too afraid to visit my Mom's house.
Can you see how they wouldn't be able to understand that?
YES!! It's crazy!! I'm not in any danger, but it feels like I am! It feels like I'm in the biggest danger in the world!! I would never ask them to feel that in order to see me!
But, are you in danger?
no.
So you just feel like you're in danger?
Yeah. I guess I'm worried I'll freak out. I'm in danger of freaking out.
Well, I'm sure that freaking out doesn't feel very good, but are you in danger while it's happening?
I guess not. If I could run away, I could feel better, but sometimes I'm already in my safe place. The place I imagine I need to be in order to feel safe.
So you're running to a safe place, that may or may not be a safe place?
Yes.
Maybe this safe place is just an illusion.
Yeah. Like being in control is an illusion.
Why do you say that?
Because I think that if I can just control all the circumstances, I can avoid anxiety or panic, but that's an illusion. I can't control everything. I can't control whether the traffic is bad, or the bridge is closed. I can't control how other people will react. I can't even control my own feelings and thoughts!!
Can you say more about that?
Well, a friend of mine keeps losing his temper and "freaking out" in a sense. He always feels really bad and anxious about it afterwards, but he still keeps losing his temper. I guess I kind of judge him because I feel like I've got my anger under control.
There's that word control again.
Yeah. And after I spent so much time discovering that I'm still angry lately. And I can't control my own thoughts. Or feelings. And yet I judge him for not being able to control his. Am I really more judgmental than others? Am I just harder on myself and others than most people??
I'm not in danger. Control is an illusion.
