Sunday, 5 October 2014

I will go on.

May 20th,
Headache (neck?)
nausea still.
fatigue pretty bad

Maybe this should be a private post as I really should just be in my journal, but no one is reading this, right?  The guy I've been seeing is taking time to decide if we should still be seeing each other considering he has a problem admitting that I am his girlfriend (Is it the wording? Is it commitment? Is it that he's just not that into me?). Considering that I am falling in love with him, that can't be a good sign.  The nausea is probably my pancreas says my blood tests.  Maybe he should get out while the getting is good.

Why do I do this?  I wasn't even sure I wanted to date him when I met him.  Now women ask me what's wrong with him? How can he be that perfect?  Well, he's not going to fall in love with me.  Pretty big deal breaker I'd say.

So I'm sitting here waiting for him to debate whether or not he wants to be with me???? Wait a second!  What am I thinking!!?? Aren't I worth love?  I mean I know he loves me.  Love is a thousand things.  But it isn't enough is it?  I think that it is better to be with someone it is more likely that I'll never live with because for one thing, I'm chicken, and for another, then I never have to worry about someone having to deal with all my health problems and even more, then I don't have to worry about turning into a psycho bitch.  Again.

I really, really, really like being with him.  I want to keep being with him.  I should tell him that it isn't enough.  That I'm worth more.  That I want to hold out for someone to love me. That I'm not more broken than most people.  That I am worth love, even with all my damage.  If only I could tell myself that.  But then I wouldn't get the chance to wait and see if he does.  If he will ever.  I want to ask him if he's still in love with his ex, but I don't want to know the answer.  I know the answer. What does she have that I don't have?  Besides a husband.  And good health.  And his love.  And perhaps a decent tennis game.  I'm such a loser.

He won't break up with me yet.  He won't want to go to the concert alone.  Wow.  That's terrible.  I'm holding on to that!?  I wish life was easier right now so that I would have this pretty full life, and he would just be one hole.  That it wouldn't seem that there are so many holes in my life right now, and I'm having to walk super carefully through and I might fall down, down, down and have to claw my way back up and I'm so tired of climbing back up.  I climb so far and I hold on so tightly, and still I am still down here.  Still I can look up and see so much up high, out of my reach. Always so high.  I'll never be big enough, or tall enough, or brave enough or worthy enough to grab it. So I'll stay down here.  Walking carefully between all these holes.  Or are they land mines?  I've already lost my marriage, financial security, was little was left of my employable health, my friendship with my ex husband, every job I've ever had, my carefree belief that I would always be mentally in one piece.

But what choice do I have?  I am a fighter.  I never give up!  I throw myself on my bed and pull the covers over my head and promise myself that I will never get up again. That I will stay there and be miserable until everyone in the world is worried about me. Then I cry for about five minutes, sniff, realise I'm bored and do something else.  This is not the end of the world.  I will go on.

online dating with MS?

Oct. 10th, 2014

It seems to be different breaking up post divorce.  I don't know really.  How can you compare?  I feel so differently about relationships.  I never think that somebody might be "the one".  I never imagine what it would be like to get married.  I don't try out his surname to see how it sounds with mine.  Well, I still do that, but come on!! I'm still a teenage girl in some inner parts of me!  For example:  I have been watching break up movies.  Actually, one break up movie. And it ended up having a composer as the main character.  My boyfriend was a composer.  Yeah. 

I was listening to sad songs as well and crying in my pillow.  I also was crying as I was making dinner, and my teenage son came in unexpectedly, and hugged me. Then asked me if he could go up to the school because the second hottest girl in his grade was up there and apparently she liked him.  See?  It's different!

One of the biggest parts about dating now is, I'm sick.  Before I thought it was cute and made me interesting. I was that out of touch. I went on an internet dating site tonight.  And sat in my friend's kitchen and giggled at the results. Then her husband asks me if I mentioned my "disease" on my profile.  He meant the MS.  Then I stopped giggling.  You see if you have severe asthma people just hear asthma and imagine some nerdy character in a movie popping an inhaler in an anxious moment. You hear MS, and well, no one really knows what that is, but they know it's bad.  He was just curious, but he really had a point.

How could I make a profile without that glaring fact?  How could anyone want to date me with it?  At the MS group I went to last weekend, this one guy said something to the effect that I have MS, but it isn't who I am.  But here's the thing.  I know what a pain in the ass I was to live with when I was sick when I was married.  I know how tough it can be on a marriage. I also know that I don't want anyone to have to take care of me again. I don't want to rely on anyone like that again either.  Yes, I know better.  Yes, I would act differently now.  Yes, I think it is going to be really tricky to meet someone who can love me for me and have the perfect amount of compassion and not have the desire to rescue me.

Ok, I can hear some of my friends telling me that it isn't anyone's business on a dating site whether I have a disease or not.  Really, unless we'd been on a few dates and it was looking like there was going to be more, I wouldn't tell them.  But sigh.  I tend to be pretty fatalistic about it.  Perhaps that is one more way I want to stay "sick".  If I consider myself too broken to have a relationship, then I can't consider myself well.  

I'll have to think on that more.