Anger again?

Forcing myself to write when I can't think of what to say.

Today in therapy we talked a lot about anger. Specifically my being angry at my Mom for how she taught me to deal poorly with anxiety. About how I seem to have stopped myself from being allowed to be angry.  I mean, she did her best!  She was trying to help me by giving me some of her "stomach pills" (form of valium) instead of teaching me about anxiety. She had to get by on her own with her awful mother's insufficient raising as a base.  She had to teach herself how to cope.  So she taught me everything that she had learned.  So how can I be angry at her for not being able to know better?  

If I think about now, about how she's so difficult to please, and so easy to upset. I don't know. I just know that I went into the office today hating myself so much.  As my doctor probed and kept coming up with my changing the word from anger to something else, and as I started to realize that I am angry.  At her inability to be there for me. At my older sister's constant bombardment of insults and name calling. And at my Mom for allowing the name calling.  For my Mom getting so much significance from my illnesses, and for accidentally teaching me that I should be sick to be interesting. That that was the only way to feel love.  That I shouldn't ever try to do anything because I might get sick.  To overprotect me so that I learned that I was fragile and might fail at any moment. 

She was DOING her BEST!!

But I am angry and hurt. And I cried when I said that I do hate them. And then I felt really good after my appointment.  And then I had this strange moment hours later when I was trying to nap, and I talked to my inner Jenny, and told her I needed her to let go now.  And I felt this strange, surreal feeling, and ended up saying it about five times as it seemed to be important. 

As I was driving home I decided to text R. I sent him a couple texts a couple of weeks ago about how I wasn't angry at him anymore.  And he never answered me.

I just got off from msging with him.  I just want to be with him!!!!!!! AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just need to talk.

I spend a very tearful session with my shrink today talking about how angry I am at the universe for introducing me to my latest guy when he wasn't ready to date yet.  Which is stupid because I am giving away my part in it so that I don't have any blame. I knew he wasn't ready.  He TOLD me more than a couple times that he wasn't ready for a relationship. That he didn't WANT a relationship (after we'd been in one for a few months). I knew he wasn't ready.  Somewhere between my being totally infactuated with him, and his desires to get laid and be loved, and not hurt me, we spent about 8 months seeing each other. Stumbling along.

The really stupid part is that it wasn't stupid.  We learned a lot from each other.  I wouldn't have grown the way I have in the past few months without his influence, and I know that he feels that's he's really grown too......but not enough.

This whole thing came to a head when, after three weeks of my trying to give him the space he needs to finish his divorce, I msged him.  We talked a bit for a week.  I hinted that I wanted to have sex with him for my birthday.  He responded with something like, "that's coming up!".  Apparently that's fuel for me to get really angry.  I went quiet for a day, but he still sensed it immediately through one text.
He ends up telling me not to wait for him. I've been crying and angry since.

I'm pretty sure he meant that I shouldn't wait for him to finish his divorce because who knows how long it's going to keep on being dragged out for. And even then, he wants to take time to get his kids settled in a new place, etc., before he starts dating again.  That he knows it hasn't been fair to me to be with me in this limited way.  That he's old fashioned, and when he's involved with someone, he wants to be sharing a life more than the small ways we were able to be together.  That even when he is divorced and the kids are settled, he might not be emotionally ready to love again. That he might not be able to love me ever, and he doesn't want to hurt me. He's the type of person that would rather take the hurt, then give it.

I guess that's the hardest part.

Restart, ghosted, reset.

 March 17th, 2022

I'm trying again to start journaling. I've started doing physio exercises to strengthen my neck. I've started doing curls to get rid of my mom arms before Aug.  I've gone back to counselling. I haven't had casual sex in a year. I had a relationship for nine months straight, which ended mutually as friends. I've got my lungs in control better than they've been in 20 years due to trying many inhalers last year. My MS has been in remittance for over two years!! I'm going to give up junk food and add more fruit and veggies tomorrow.  I may even include giving up coffee!! In a week or two I will give up more food (either some or all dairy, or something with carbs) and add more fruit and veggies. Maybe this time. Maybe this time I will do better than ever.  I've even been more determined to get the house clean.  I now only have one child left in the home. I should be able to do this.

I had a pretty unpleasant week emotionally.  I went out with a new guy.  I kept saying that it was weird that there weren't any red or yellow flags that I was ignoring, but there were.  The biggest one is how strongly he was coming on.  It was what younger me would have dreamed of.  It was what younger me did!! Jump in with both feet and don't ask too many questions!  Well, at least I've learned some what.  

He's ghosted me.  I was really struggling to understand why, and then I came up with this thought, 
"he doesn't have big enough balls to be honest with me."

He put on his profile that he wanted more honesty and less games.  That basically means that he wants it from himself.   I've learned that. A guy says he doesn't want drama, he's probably the dramatic one. 

Well, I did slow myself down enough to not get crushed. We necked (ha!!) for 2 hours in my car, but I wouldn't go any further.  Thank goodness I'm still a bit frigid.  Sheesh.  He was playing me so well, in so many ways.  Well.  I avoided catastrophe, but ouch.  My ego. I even told him that I was great at reading people, except when it came to men in my love life.  Yep.  Case in point. 

So heels cooled. Deep breaths taken. Equilibrium restored. 

Oh yes.  I have started mediating properly again.  The monkish guy who taught me said that if you started journaling when you started meditating, you would notice a difference in yourself by the time you have reached three months. 

Lets see shall we?

I'm also doing sleep hygiene and reading actual paper books, and yoga stretches. 

Too many changes at once?  They have all started over the last few months.  

Please reward me this time universe!  Reward me with good health so that I can get ahead. Or at least keep up.  Maybe I could get a decent job again?  Maybe I could have a lovely home that I could welcome people into?  Maybe, just maybe I could have a boyfriend who I love who loves me too????

This is what I'm aiming for.  I don't believe in manifesting, but I do believe that you have to dream in order to achieve.  That you have to reach in order to grab.  That you have to hope in order to want to live.

I'm not Clinically Extremely Vulnerable!?!

It's April.  Mid April. I was thinking that it's the time about that time of year where I usually am at my worst, but it's not. It's too early.  Maybe it's because the season got started early this year, and went off with a bang. Is it getting worse? I was about to say that people who don't usually complain about allergies are really suffering, but I think I thought that last year. Maybe it's time to move North. If climate change is making allergens stronger, then I'd better move. How to move further north without moving to too much cold would be tricky. Stay here, allergens, move north, cold: either way I can't breathe.  

Usually around this time of year I'm starting to recover from the first blast of the trees, and getting complacent enough to go outside too much. I am actually concerned. I feel like I'm already going bananas. The cottonwood doesn't even get started for a month!! How am I going to stay inside for a few more months?  Oh, duh.  Maybe it will start early too. Maybe a couple of weeks. Sigh.

I think the real problem is the pandemic. I can't go anywhere I might usually run away to. No boyfriend's house. No gyms or pools.  No dinner dates. I've already exhausted all my sitting around waiting energy, and now it's allergy season. 

It seems that everyone around me is getting their vaccines. I've always been the sick girl, and yet, I don't get the vaccine. Everyone seems surprised by that. Especially me. What the hell?? I have asthma and MS, but I don't qualify as Extremely Vulnerable? So stupid. I wish I could contact my childhood doctors and tell them. Especially my asthma docs. The ones that have had to bring me back from the edge of no return. Or the Emergency doctors that have literally brought me back from hypoxic seizures.