I have been reading Bridget Jones: Mad about the Boy, and just finished Someday, Someday Maybe, both of which inspired me to start blogging like this:
April 14th, 1:33 am
health issues: neck out (headache!!!), pins and needles in hands (3/10), nausea/mysterious cramping pain 3/10, asthma symptoms 3/10
exercise: walked the dog (a lot of sitting), workout with bf 30 mins
woke up at 10:30 (due to delightful picnic plans with bf), nap 1 hour+
I started trying to take injections for my MS again. Made it one injection this time. Decided to stop again since I became so nauseous (not a side effect of the meds) that I was having trouble functioning at all. Turns out I have some thing like an ovarian cyst. Definitely not UT infection, definitely not pregnant (yeah thanks for checking, sigh), definitely want to throw up, pain in what I now know is my ovary once examined by doc, and super sore nipples. I'm supposed to go for an ultra sound, but I'm just wishing that it will go away on its own. It has been getting better over the weekend.
I was proud of myself for not immediately stressing out who will take care of me after my surgery for the removal of my not-yet-even-close-to-certain ovarian cyst. I was tempted to tell ex husband I needed surgery since he has been such a capital douche bag to me lately, but that was for about a nano-second before I realized it wouldn't get me anywhere. Firstly, he wouldn't give a flying flip. Secondly, I don't want to give in to my crazy urges to get attention for being sick. It doesn't make me feel any better, actually, it makes me feel worse.
I was thinking last night about breaking up with bf though. I think that he is under the impression that if he just gets over this "rough time" that I will stop being sick, than we can start to enjoy a more active lifestyle, or something. I mean, we have a pretty great set up. He has his kids every other week, so he can't see me more than maybe a lunch that week, and he is so active and busy, I only see him one night on the other weekend, and maybe an evening or afternoon. He does various "challenging activities" such as a 3 hour bike ride, but saves going to a play or something to do with me. When we first met though, he expressed his doubts about us working long term as he is looking for someone who is active. Yep. Not me. Someone to hike a mountain in the morning and then bike ride to the grocery store just because it is physically demanding? Yeah, no. Sometimes I have to choose between the energy to shop for dinner, or the energy to cook it. Big SIGH.
So eventually we must end. I feel it. It is too much almost for me to deal with sometimes. Living with all my freaking health issues, I mean. Why should he have to? We really get along. There isn't any magic really, but we really like spending time together. It will get old though, and I'll probably be sad, but I'm not ready to break up yet. I mean, he emails me to see if I want to go on a picnic this morning!! Hello? YES!! He even made chocolate covered strawberries. Made them. And then told me I had some chocolate on my lips and kissed it off for me, and I was one of those happy couples in the park having a picnic, kissing as other people walk by. I wasn't one of those people strolling along with miserable health problems walking my dog alone, despising the gross, happy people for kissing on their stupid picnic. I even wore a dress, and he loved it. I had to stop my skirt from blowing in the wind like Marilyn Monroe, sort of.
Yeah, don't want to break up with him yet!!
When I'm with him I don't want to be sick, or talk about being sick, or be anxious, or think about being anxious. I want to have nicer manners, and not text in front of people, and never return a container empty, and make thank you cards, and be healthy, and have a clean house, and basically have my shit together!!!! I always say that a relationship is never a waste as long as you are still learning, and I'm still learning so much and happy. Happier than I've been in a while.