It seems to be different breaking up post divorce. I don't know really. How can you compare? I feel so differently about relationships. I never think that somebody might be "the one". I never imagine what it would be like to get married. I don't try out his surname to see how it sounds with mine. Well, I still do that, but come on!! I'm still a teenage girl in some inner parts of me! For example: I have been watching break up movies. Actually, one break up movie. And it ended up having a composer as the main character. My boyfriend was a composer. Yeah.
I was listening to sad songs as well and crying in my pillow. I also was crying as I was making dinner, and my teenage son came in unexpectedly, and hugged me. Then asked me if he could go up to the school because the second hottest girl in his grade was up there and apparently she liked him. See? It's different!
One of the biggest parts about dating now is, I'm sick. Before I thought it was cute and made me interesting. I was that out of touch. I went on an internet dating site tonight. And sat in my friend's kitchen and giggled at the results. Then her husband asks me if I mentioned my "disease" on my profile. He meant the MS. Then I stopped giggling. You see if you have severe asthma people just hear asthma and imagine some nerdy character in a movie popping an inhaler in an anxious moment. You hear MS, and well, no one really knows what that is, but they know it's bad. He was just curious, but he really had a point.
How could I make a profile without that glaring fact? How could anyone want to date me with it? At the MS group I went to last weekend, this one guy said something to the effect that I have MS, but it isn't who I am. But here's the thing. I know what a pain in the ass I was to live with when I was sick when I was married. I know how tough it can be on a marriage. I also know that I don't want anyone to have to take care of me again. I don't want to rely on anyone like that again either. Yes, I know better. Yes, I would act differently now. Yes, I think it is going to be really tricky to meet someone who can love me for me and have the perfect amount of compassion and not have the desire to rescue me.
Ok, I can hear some of my friends telling me that it isn't anyone's business on a dating site whether I have a disease or not. Really, unless we'd been on a few dates and it was looking like there was going to be more, I wouldn't tell them. But sigh. I tend to be pretty fatalistic about it. Perhaps that is one more way I want to stay "sick". If I consider myself too broken to have a relationship, then I can't consider myself well.
I'll have to think on that more.