Raking grass memory

 I was sitting on my desk in my sterile room.  Desk with empty drawers, plain chair without a cushion.  Bed with one stuffy. Pillows piled perfectly to support lungs.  Mom keeps saying she's going to buy a plastic cover for the mattress, but so far it's just a dust cover, thank goodness. My closet is full of my stuff, but it's taped closed for now. My dresser of clothes is in my sister's room next door. No dust. No allergens. 

I'm sitting on my desk because if I'm up this high I can see my siblings in the backyard. It's Springtime. My worst time of the year. I'll probably be in here for weeks. Usually a month plus. My siblings are supposed to be raking up the thatched grass, and they are, but mostly they are throwing it at each other. 

They're raking it into piles and jumping in and burying themselves. They are filling up the wheelbarrow and riding in it. I'm crying.  Big tears rolling down my cheeks as I watch with envy and self pity.

Then they are called in for dinner.  Everyone is sitting at the dinner table eating. They are complaining bitterly about having to do such a horrible chore. I'm still alone in my room. 

I was telling this story to my Dad the other day, and wondering why I was in there alone. Couldn't one of my siblings been allowed to stay inside and play with me? Did I have to eat alone every meal? I know my Step Dad may it so that we had lots of "Fresh Air" and the doors couldn't have been closed for just me. That he insisted that we have as our only source of heat wood burning stoves. He made the enormous sacrifice of smoking outside. I should feel honored, right?  Too much sarcasm?

If someone was asked to stay behind and play with me, would that have been another chore? Would they have fought over who got to stay in with me? Would they have fought to not have to be with me? Would that have made being sick more or less desirable for me? What if I had my own tv in there when I was sick? What if they were allowed to watch tv with me? There was a tv in the basement and I wasn't supposed to go down there, but maybe my show would have been more desirable to someone? Would I have tried to bribe a sibling with a show?   I'll never know. I never even thought of it. It never occurred to me that I could have anything any different just because I was so limited.