Ok, so it's not going great today. I have to start out with the disclaimer that I might have PMS. I'm going through menopause and it isn't something that I can figure out easily anymore. That being said I am seriously miserable today. I feel like I have nothing to eat!! I don't have the energy to cook basically anything, and parts of my grocery order that I was counting on were out of stock! Grr. I am seriously considering giving up my giving up gluten for a week, and trying to eliminate milk instead. Maybe this needs better planning? How am I supposed to do this on my own? Financially!!?? Physically??? GRRAHHH!!!
Ok, enough ranting.
Warning: more ranting likely ahead:
So another thing that I have been thinking about is how I had this amazing week of energy, and then crashed, and haven't gotten back up since. Basically at the same time I was eating a lot of bread and milk. How much of that has lead to this crash? Will I eventually end up looking back at this and shaking my head at my naivety? I'm really feeling so discouraged. I spent the little energy I had today adding veggies to the bone broth that my daughter has been simmering for the last couple of days. It smelled and tasted really good. I quickly realized that she had left the skins on the chickens that we had bought already roasted. She had simmered spices with the bones. Now I have heartburn. GRRR again!!
Sometimes I want to yell at Dr. Wahl's when she makes all these suggestions that I can't afford, like going for e-stim, or buying organic grain fed meat or going hunting or fishing or foraging! I barely have the energy to make soup!! I know that the book was written for the average person, and not for a nearly bed bound person, but it is still so frustrating! I used my birthday gift card to buy the books! How did she do this while she was in a wheel chair? Did her partner do most of it? Did they hire someone? Sigh.
I guess I have to go back to basics. Make veggie broth. Maybe just veggie soup. I was really counting on that bone broth. SIGH.
I really want to quit today. I know I won't. Here's the conversation I'm having with myself.
You've been doing this for months already! You can't quit!
Yeah, but I've had very little results!
True, but you gave up reading after the first couple of chapters, and ended up doing a version that doesn't exist!
Yeah, but think of all I've given up and all the freaking produce I've eaten!!
Exactly. Think of how much you've already done.
Yeah, but I thought that I'd be feeling well enough to cook for myself by now!
I know. I guess that the adding isn't going to be as important as the taking away for us. Just think of how easy it would be to quit if you were giving up everything at once right now. Chocolate and sugar was so tricky, but all the berries made it easier.
Yeah, but I would totally eat a scone if it was in front of me right now.
I know, but remember how proud of yourself you were when you gave up butter and cheese.
mmmhhhhmmm....cheeeesseeee
Ok, this isn't working. Remember the vision of yourself, standing on top of a big hike you've just completed? Your ideal partner standing next to you looking lovingly at you? Your sweet bod from all the exercising and dancing and gardening you've been doing?
And my clean and finally nicely decorated home with the dog that I will be able to walk and afford because I'm working again, but this time in something meaningful?
Yes. Doesn't that sound lovely?
I guess. I still want to eat a chocolate chip muffin though.
I'm realizing that my inner voice in this conversation says "yeah but" a lot, and sounds very petulant. Well, at least I spent enough years in therapy that I have that understanding, reasonable, motherly voice to listen to it.
Right now I'd just be happy to be healthy enough to leave the house for something wild and crazy like the library. Ok. I'll keep trying. I do need a different plan for this week though.
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