Anger again?

Forcing myself to write when I can't think of what to say.

Today in therapy we talked a lot about anger. Specifically my being angry at my Mom for how she taught me to deal poorly with anxiety. About how I seem to have stopped myself from being allowed to be angry.  I mean, she did her best!  She was trying to help me by giving me some of her "stomach pills" (form of valium) instead of teaching me about anxiety. She had to get by on her own with her awful mother's insufficient raising as a base.  She had to teach herself how to cope.  So she taught me everything that she had learned.  So how can I be angry at her for not being able to know better?  

If I think about now, about how she's so difficult to please, and so easy to upset. I don't know. I just know that I went into the office today hating myself so much.  As my doctor probed and kept coming up with my changing the word from anger to something else, and as I started to realize that I am angry.  At her inability to be there for me. At my older sister's constant bombardment of insults and name calling. And at my Mom for allowing the name calling.  For my Mom getting so much significance from my illnesses, and for accidentally teaching me that I should be sick to be interesting. That that was the only way to feel love.  That I shouldn't ever try to do anything because I might get sick.  To overprotect me so that I learned that I was fragile and might fail at any moment. 

She was DOING her BEST!!

But I am angry and hurt. And I cried when I said that I do hate them. And then I felt really good after my appointment.  And then I had this strange moment hours later when I was trying to nap, and I talked to my inner Jenny, and told her I needed her to let go now.  And I felt this strange, surreal feeling, and ended up saying it about five times as it seemed to be important. 

As I was driving home I decided to text R. I sent him a couple texts a couple of weeks ago about how I wasn't angry at him anymore.  And he never answered me.

I just got off from msging with him.  I just want to be with him!!!!!!! AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!