Restart, ghosted, reset.

 March 17th, 2022

I'm trying again to start journaling. I've started doing physio exercises to strengthen my neck. I've started doing curls to get rid of my mom arms before Aug.  I've gone back to counselling. I haven't had casual sex in a year. I had a relationship for nine months straight, which ended mutually as friends. I've got my lungs in control better than they've been in 20 years due to trying many inhalers last year. My MS has been in remittance for over two years!! I'm going to give up junk food and add more fruit and veggies tomorrow.  I may even include giving up coffee!! In a week or two I will give up more food (either some or all dairy, or something with carbs) and add more fruit and veggies. Maybe this time. Maybe this time I will do better than ever.  I've even been more determined to get the house clean.  I now only have one child left in the home. I should be able to do this.

I had a pretty unpleasant week emotionally.  I went out with a new guy.  I kept saying that it was weird that there weren't any red or yellow flags that I was ignoring, but there were.  The biggest one is how strongly he was coming on.  It was what younger me would have dreamed of.  It was what younger me did!! Jump in with both feet and don't ask too many questions!  Well, at least I've learned some what.  

He's ghosted me.  I was really struggling to understand why, and then I came up with this thought, 
"he doesn't have big enough balls to be honest with me."

He put on his profile that he wanted more honesty and less games.  That basically means that he wants it from himself.   I've learned that. A guy says he doesn't want drama, he's probably the dramatic one. 

Well, I did slow myself down enough to not get crushed. We necked (ha!!) for 2 hours in my car, but I wouldn't go any further.  Thank goodness I'm still a bit frigid.  Sheesh.  He was playing me so well, in so many ways.  Well.  I avoided catastrophe, but ouch.  My ego. I even told him that I was great at reading people, except when it came to men in my love life.  Yep.  Case in point. 

So heels cooled. Deep breaths taken. Equilibrium restored. 

Oh yes.  I have started mediating properly again.  The monkish guy who taught me said that if you started journaling when you started meditating, you would notice a difference in yourself by the time you have reached three months. 

Lets see shall we?

I'm also doing sleep hygiene and reading actual paper books, and yoga stretches. 

Too many changes at once?  They have all started over the last few months.  

Please reward me this time universe!  Reward me with good health so that I can get ahead. Or at least keep up.  Maybe I could get a decent job again?  Maybe I could have a lovely home that I could welcome people into?  Maybe, just maybe I could have a boyfriend who I love who loves me too????

This is what I'm aiming for.  I don't believe in manifesting, but I do believe that you have to dream in order to achieve.  That you have to reach in order to grab.  That you have to hope in order to want to live.