I just need to talk.

I spend a very tearful session with my shrink today talking about how angry I am at the universe for introducing me to my latest guy when he wasn't ready to date yet.  Which is stupid because I am giving away my part in it so that I don't have any blame. I knew he wasn't ready.  He TOLD me more than a couple times that he wasn't ready for a relationship. That he didn't WANT a relationship (after we'd been in one for a few months). I knew he wasn't ready.  Somewhere between my being totally infactuated with him, and his desires to get laid and be loved, and not hurt me, we spent about 8 months seeing each other. Stumbling along.

The really stupid part is that it wasn't stupid.  We learned a lot from each other.  I wouldn't have grown the way I have in the past few months without his influence, and I know that he feels that's he's really grown too......but not enough.

This whole thing came to a head when, after three weeks of my trying to give him the space he needs to finish his divorce, I msged him.  We talked a bit for a week.  I hinted that I wanted to have sex with him for my birthday.  He responded with something like, "that's coming up!".  Apparently that's fuel for me to get really angry.  I went quiet for a day, but he still sensed it immediately through one text.
He ends up telling me not to wait for him. I've been crying and angry since.

I'm pretty sure he meant that I shouldn't wait for him to finish his divorce because who knows how long it's going to keep on being dragged out for. And even then, he wants to take time to get his kids settled in a new place, etc., before he starts dating again.  That he knows it hasn't been fair to me to be with me in this limited way.  That he's old fashioned, and when he's involved with someone, he wants to be sharing a life more than the small ways we were able to be together.  That even when he is divorced and the kids are settled, he might not be emotionally ready to love again. That he might not be able to love me ever, and he doesn't want to hurt me. He's the type of person that would rather take the hurt, then give it.

I guess that's the hardest part.