I've always had this strange thing about me. Whenever I wake up naturally, you know, no alarm clock, no dog jumping on the bed, no kids arguing, or crying, I wake up with a song in my head. That is how I know I am perfectly rested. Usually it is a strange song, like "Puff the Magic Dragon" which I haven't heard since I was a kid, or "Blue's Clue's" which I haven't watched for years. Not usually children's songs however. This morning it was Arcade Fire's Crown of Love. Thank you subconscious. I knew it was going to be a good day.
I managed to get a lot of my daughter's quilt done today! I got everything done for my son's birthday party, and I think ran the party pretty well. Seven eleven year olds. Yikes. Good thing I had a headache. I even had a shower and did my hair and make up! I did it by taking one Tylenol 1 (which really doesn't count, right?) and half a coke. I almost never drink coke, so when I do, energy! I almost fainted in the kitchen on my ex, but I made it through!
My psychiatrist says that he can't tell when I am being sarcastic (see last paragraph). Sometimes I over emphasize it to him so that he knows. From now I'll italicize any sarcasm. K? I've trained my kids to say that they know I'm being sarcastic because my lips are moving. Heh heh. I'm a nerd.
So today, I feel as if I am being a little overly brave. My symptoms aren't too bad today, so I feel as if I have to REALLY enjoy it. I feel fairly positive so I have to be REALLY positive. Why? I don't want to whine about my illness. I used to always answer honestly whenever anyone asked me how I was doing. I thought it was better to be straight forward. Eventually I learned that most people don't really want to know. They are just saying hi. In previous times, it would be the equivalent of inquiring after one's family. "Hi" and "how are you" have become interchangeable. Example of how I used to respond: " Hi, how are you?" My answer - "I'm okay, I have a sinus infection and I am so congested that I've been blowing green for three days. (then I would add a positive spin) Only two more days until I have my sinus treatment though!" The irony is, now people ask me how I am and I try and turn it around on them, "I'm ok (it's the truth! If I wasn't ok, you would know). How are YOU?" Nope. They don't buy it. "No, how are you really?" Ugh, ugh, ugh. For the first time in my life I want to be invisible.
Growing up, my Mom would sometimes get into conversation with strangers, or acquaintences about my health. I was a pretty sick little girl. My asthma was life threatening. My Mom had to call in the ambulance in the middle of the night many times, while holding my tongue down with her fingers to keep me from swallowing it. This was before the days of 911. My Mom hates hospitals. She had three other kids. I don't know how she did it. When she would talk to others about my health, I believe it was in the way that moms tell stories to one another. There is an element of competition, there is an element of comraderie, there is an element of compassion. What I got out of it was that the best thing about me was that I was sick. The most interesting part, the most attention deserving part, and the most lovable part. Yep. Kind of missed the boat on that one.
Now I think that I don't want to receive significance for being sick, but then what am I doing here? Partly wanting to figure it out, partly wanting to write, and partly wanting to be interesting for being such a medical freak. I'm working on it.
I didn't clean the kitchen tonight. Well, I put away the dishes, but not all the party stuff. Sigh.
Pins and needles, left side 4
Left side weakness 4
trouble seeing -definitely something going on with vision 5
Mixing up words (nouns) 4